Posted on 2009.06.10 at 17:19
June 10th
i hate when i get like this. contemplative and nostalgic. it's been a year...well, basically a year, since me and johnn broke up. maybe it wouldn't hurt as much to think about if he wasn't dating (and utterly crazy over) the one girl i'm so jealous over. she's perfectly thin, beautiful, popular. i'd kill to be her. and he's on cloud nine with her. he called her his "dream girl" - i used to be called that. and now ? she looks like me. dirty blonde hair, braces, blue eyes, white. i hate it. i feel like i've lost myself to her. i'm the ugly digusting beast of a shadow to her. a huge fat slob behind the possible prom queen. i should be shot, she should replace me. it'd work right ? and i mean, i don't want him back, but i miss him. as a person i guess. and i miss what we used to have. through the fighting and the issues, there were good moments. loving moments. i miss it sometimes, because it was the realest most powerful thing i've ever felt.
and i should feel awful now. because i say that and feel all this while dating the best guy i have in the longest time. brandon. i know, surprising after the way i treated him. but he's so good, he forgave me. it's like it never happened with the way he cares for me, but at the same time it is - if only for reference. he told me he would never feel this way for me again, but here he is and it seems stronger now than then. and he wants me for me, because good lord knows i look horrible after becoming the fat slob that i am. and also the fact i'm "whore" (so says the world) and i treated him like crap as stated above. plus he wants something real, with me and only me. and he wants to last with me. he honestly means so much to me, i'd be heartbroken to loose him.
one thing that scares me though is that he told me the other night about some of his other "bad" girlfriends. one of them was like me. she starved herself, lied to him about it, but he found out. what would he do if he knew what i did ? restrictions, binges, purges, failures. i could only imagine the digust, and the hate after he found out that i lied just like her. i'd be gone in a moment.
and if you're wondering about jeff ? oh good lord. he's such a little bastard. the night of the before the trip, his sister had gone to bed, and i was helping him pack. we actually ended up sitting down and having a long conversation just us two. and then what happens ? we end up messing around...and he kisses me. and then it happened again, and we end up making out. everything seemed fine - which was stupid and i should've knew better. the next day while driving to cali i txt him about it and he comes up with the excuse "he doesn't want a gf right now and some other stupid blahblahblah" so i was pretty much in the thought of "whatever fuck you". and that was that. he's going to dig himself a whole with someone else if he keeps playing games like this with people. and you know what he'll get his fill of karma. and oh yeah...his sister, MY bestfriend/sister, doesn't know (she's not really my sister, just call her that).
brandon knows about him to, didn't stop him from kissing me when i got back from cali, or asking me out that same night. wow, he really is an amazing guy. watch me fuck this one up to. just like johnn, just like so many other guys. i'm a mistake from hell waiting to burst. i'm just going to try my best.
now on the subject of my weight, it's up and down. i can't get past 115 though. i really can't and i hate it. this was where i was stuck before :/ ugh. i bought a scale and brought it with me to kentucky (yep in the bluegrass state). first day here and i've only eaten one meal. and purged some of it when everyone was in separate places. i was afraid of getting caught though so i didn't finish. i still feel it in my stomach. i've also cut soda out - or that's my goal. i've heard it creates a pudge, which i have so bluntly. so i'm hoping that getting rid of it in general and then working on my abs a bit means it'll go away. god willing i'm hoping just to get back to where i want to be. here are my goals.
gw1: 110
gw2: 106
gw3: 104
gw4: 100
and after i get to that i'll work from there. but right now that's all the goals i need. hopefully all the running in cheer will be good enough cardio to help me loose. ughhhhh. i'm so fat right now it's digusting. i just looked at pictures of me from when i was 106. i looked so good, i miss it ! i want to be thin again, and close to thinner than i am now ! I HATE IT. i'm not happy i'm ugly. and it doesn't help that my BOYFRIEND is skinnier than i am. if i wanted to put on his jeans i'd break the buttons, they'd stop at my elephant thighs. fuck.
i want to go vomit the fat off.
to bad that's not how it works.
Posted on 2009.05.10 at 15:45
May 10th
it's been so long. or so it feels. april third was my last entry, but still seems like epochs that have ebbed into the sea. if anything there's been so much that's happened, but then at the same time nothing. let me give you the rundown -
-i've made the cheer squad at my high school ; junior varsity though.
-i've made it on yearbook as copy editor
-i'm probably making it into the AVID program with my sister
-i'm lost and confused over jeff
that's right, jeff. again. he's SINGLE. dumped by his slut of a former girlfriend. he's not over her, trying to fill the void with other tramps. i'm afraid he'll try to play me, but i want him so much. i want to be his. god damnit. last weigh in = 114
two weeks before summer. cardio like crazy. no more muscle building. no more gaining.
Posted on 2009.04.03 at 21:57
april 3rd
i love how life just likes to rub your failures in your face. how the bruises from your falls aren't enough, you need the smell of the foulness stinging your nostrils as well. i just can't take that anymore. i can't take IT anymore. i can't take revolving around a repeated cycle of mistakes. i can't keep trying to pull back and forget, but then being reminded of everything that was almost gone. it's not fair, i hate it and it's not fair.
i was fine, somewhat, until zack ended up calling me tonight. my mom was getting donughts. i was in the car. i picked up. he was on the other end. he ended up inviting me to come watch a movie with him, dominic, and dom's little brother. i shoved the fact that i was busy and he hung up. end of story. it took me a minute to realize it was all a set up. it would make sense. dom coupled of with lisha, zack with codi, and i would've been stuck with dom's brother. which is stupid because i'm with cody anyways. i wanted to vomit. i still want to vomit. just now for more reasons then that sickening recollection of him. as soon as i hung up the phone i deleted his number from my call history. a part of me feels like i should've kept it, at least to say never to call me again, or to tell him next time he tries to set me up be a bit more coy about it. maybe it was better in the end that i did delete it, just one step back the mountain trail of forgetfulness.
and then after that it was like a train of fury. one burst after the other, a twisted domino effect. i'm also on the flow, so god knows the littlest things set me off. but god there is one thing that has just been catching my nerves lately. it seems like every which way i look on myspace girls from my school will have this under their about me;
"texting, friends, CHEER"
WHEN IN GODS NAME DID EVERYONE AND THEIR MOM GRAB POM POMS ?!
really !? girls like this include kyra and tori. kyra i'm not sure if she's ever cheered, but god knows tori hasn't. no flexibility, no stunting, no tumbling. she's a toothpick screeching out a chant. i know i sound like an awful bitch, but i honestly don't care. she's one of those few i can't stand. she treats her boyfriend like shit, she's annoying, and she seems to me like her nose is so far up in the air jesus could play golf atop it. this isn't jealousy, but girls who put CHEER in their general should be CHEERLEADERS. like, oh lord, LOREN. she WAS a cheerleader, she CHEERS. tori just screams at lunch, &&i've never seen kyra do shit like that since i've known her and i haven't heard a thing about her doing it before either. my competetive nature is driving out a furious beast. i hope that the clinic is packed tomorrow so all those girls who think they know everything get shown up in two seconds flat. i know i don't, but i'm also not oblivious. i mean i've been GOING to the clinics, the gym classes. I've been working my ASS off and i swear to god come tryouts next week i'm going to show it. i'm not going to get beat out by girls who haven't done shit in their lives when i've been coming home late nearly every night for weeks. there's also another girl trying for cheer i can't stand. celina felix. the most concieted fake bitch i've come to meet. she recieved her reccomendation letter from coach anderson like i did. UGH. SHE CAN'T EVEN DO SPLITS. she's just as bad as TORI. at least tori seems like i could tolerate her. I would never tolerate celina. ever.
i just want to punch a hole in the wall. in their faces. and i know this is horrible. but i want to release stress...by cutting.
Posted on 2009.03.30 at 23:17
march 30th
my journal, my sweet sweet journal. online or in the palm of my hands you're all i have anymore. i have those who i can speak to, but nothing quite as secretive &secure as you. it's been ages so it feels. god knows so much has happened since the last entry. in fact..i don't even know. where should i start ?
eric confessed that he liked me, since january which was when i started dating cody. i found it ironic. but it was a pointless fluke. he told me he would never date me because of his brother &i knew just as much.
adrian told me that he didn't have feelings for me like i did for him. another fluke -but there's more coming.
jaren. oh god. i don't even know. before cody we flirted up a storm. all during mine &cody's relationship we sort of did, but lord knows cody was jealous right off the bat because of him. then finally when cody &i ended i started to lean closer to jaren. but i wanted a break, time to collect myself. he agreed but then in the end it didn't work. he said he didn't like me enough to date. which basically means i wasn't as great as he thought i was. three heartbreaks...so far.
so finally after trying to have a relationship, when i specifically told myself to stay away from them, i say to hell with it all. no commitment. none i want none. so i take the mature path. no more highschool circle yes no for love. i decided to go with no strings attached. playthings, my friends with benefits. i came to find two guys. cameron, a sophomore varsity wrestler who was next door to me from science, &zack, a kicked out kellis student who is now in college at GCC. seemed simple right ? well before i knew it i was already rushing with zack, he knew how to do me right. straight into lust. &with lust comes consequences. he came with attachments. codi. lisha's fucking stupid sister. i didn't understand it. i wasn't jealous of them, i was jealous of her. she irritated me to no end. i quickly cut the tether that even treaded around zack's ankle.
well cameron &i seemed to be going well to, until i found out that he was friends with benefits with another girl &was flirting with this one whore of a girl that i know. the friends with benefits didn't bug me, but he was telling this whore the same things he told to me. i didn't feel special, i second guessed everything he had ever told me. any trust i was builiding was desacrated &i knew it wouldn't work. thankfully someone else came along; cody. i'm not sure exactly what peaked my actions to question him, but i asked him if he ever thought about us. he told me yes, he wanted another chance, &he was extremely sorry. it also stems out to him telling me how much he needed me, how important i was to him, &how after we split i woke up him to really how "necessary" i was. i feel like i can trust him, everytime i would look at him i missed him, &i couldn't deny i still liked him when i watched him with his friends. basically to say we're back together. but i'm not certain of anything.
tj. god. i love him to death. not in love with him though. i've always felt he's liked me, but he's never seemed like my type. but i trust him unconditionally, i know he would never hurt me. he's the most golden hearted boy i've ever met &he's truly amazing. i went &saw him in his play. after that night i knew how i felt, how i liked him. he was powerful &it opened my eyes to see just how fantastic he was. this show was exactly one day before cody asked me back out though. it was that night after i saw his show &&him, that he told me how he felt. &i couldn't lie to him, i confessed i believed i felt the same, but i was in such a blunder i was out of reach of my mind. he understood, he was happy just knowing how i felt, &he hopes that after cody &i end (because in his words we won't last forever) that maybe him &i could have a chance. it's very possible.
but aside from guys (because that is all my life ever is, guys drama good lord) i'm so just in a commotion. cheer tryouts are next week. i have nothing, no tumbling in the world. i'm screwed i have no faith in any of myself. i have a teranova test this week i know nothing about. school is ending &i'm worried about my two core classes. i'm worried about sophomore year class wise as well. my period is right around the corner &i'm stressed &irritated. dance is no longer my forte, i need to work on my solo which i just BARELY started on. i need to find a job, but its basically impossible. i have my permit test in a couple months. fuck.
&&my weight. omg. i'm a huge fucking cow. ew ew ew. i've been eating trash, god awful trash. my weight was 118 the other day. i'm so tired of my failure. i feel like my whole life has just done a 360. i'm right back where i started, if not worse. no i think i am WORSE. in everything, not just my body. i'm trying to get myself back into restriction, it's a bumpy road because i've been at janae's a lot, &i eat like shit when i'm there. i hate it. i hate myself &my body. maybe if i was thinner &prettier life wouldn't be so hard. i'd be more confident ¬ so dependent on a boy. i don't even know. i'm so just ashamed that i've gotten this fat. i used to be 104 lbs once. it was beautiful &i want it back. i will get it back. i just don't know how. because of weight training i feel like i've gained muscle weight, but i don't want to have it. i don't want to be fat. i want to be thin. pretty thin. i'll never loose my curves unfortunately, but i can still be stickly. i saw this girl at the bowling alley the other day. she was literally bones with a skin overcoat. i looked at her thinking, oh my gosh she looks sick...but lord knows i would die to be able to look like her. i bet she doesn't have a complicated life, i bet she's pretty in anything, i bet she can do anything &is filled to the rim with smarts.
&&did i mention ? i want to cut.
Posted on 2009.02.19 at 22:32
february 19th
cody&i broke up. sunday night. through txt. i didn't want to, but i had been basically avoiding him the whole weekend, then he finally came out like "do you even want to be with me"...you can pretty much get it from there. funny thing is it doesn't even feel like we dated. maybe just flirted, kissed a couple times, but not a relationship. it's the best. as horrible as that sounds. but it's easier this way. people have been coming up to me, literally, and asking me who broke up with who because i guess he's saying that he did. i'm not sure if it's true. people love to lie, especially guys. so whatever. i don't really care.
now it was my goal to stay away from guys, or at least not get into a relationship because it's almost summer, &&i want to focus on cheer &&dance. well that went STRAIGHT to hell. first i started talking to adrian again. idk why but i've always had a small thing with him. but i don't think he likes me. that's not the bad part though. so i still like eric. a lot. worst part is he's single now. he broke up with his girlfriend on vday. WHAT THE HELL. then we were talking &i told him how i thought he gave me the wrong number so he gave it me again. it was right this time ! i was so happy when he gave it to me. i felt like i skipped cloud nine &went straight to cloud three hundred and seven. i texted him of course, and we talked for mm two hours ? i like him so so so much. fuck fuck fuck fuck. but like i don't know if he could ever like me...but of course i was looking at the little details. he wanted to know more about me because he was asking questions &things like that. when we talk we play around a bit, &we both smile. ughhh his smile. is beautiful. shit he's just so good looking. i'm so fucked.
weight wise i don't even want to go there. i'm eating less and less i think, but i can't tell. i need to stop eating before bed :| it's ruining everything. i'm so fat. fuck. cheer is around the corner &i'm gonna look like a hot air balloon. i got so mad last night at the gym because i wasn't getting my stuff down good enough. i hate being a perfectionist for reasons like that. my mom was telling me how i couldn't expect to get them right away. i know i shouldn't, but i do. i should be able to. if i was thinner i would be able to. nope though, i'm a fatass.
a pathetic fatass who has a huge crush on her ex's brother. go life.
Posted on 2009.02.15 at 01:14
february 14th
happy valentines day ? i suppose. mine wasn't so awful. i spent it mostly with my mom. we went to see my all time favorite classic piece, romeo&juliet, the ballet. it was beautiful i adored it. mind you she had never read the play so she was confused, but we enjoyed it none the less. my pinky toes hurt like awful because of my stupid heels. once again my attempt at something was horrid. what's the surprise ? my mom bought me this love predictor thing. it's a heart spinner with yes&no printed across the edges. you spin it &see if it's love. i know it's rather juvenile, but what else do i have ? love seems nonexistant. or at least undiscoverable. i haven't given up, i just don't know what to do.
i'm breaking up with cody on tuesday. the details about him that i've been ignoring have come back to bite me in the ass &they irritate me to no end. he's such a jerk to everyone, he's a horrible kisser, &his anger is ridiculous. he's immature, he's not book smart, &he's to young minded. i need something more than what he could offer. i need someone better. as horrible as that sounds, it's true. janae told me i was to good for him. it's not that i'm to good for him, it's just i'm more than he can compare to. he's not a bad guy, he's just not enough for me. i wish there was more to it, but there isn't. so another stupid attempt that didn't last past a month. after i dump him i'm not getting involved again. i know i've said it before, but there's no point in getting into something new. summer is soon, &if i did get with someone else i wouldn't be able to see them over summer. so i'm just taking a break. i have other stuff to worry about.
i think i'm going to get invovled in cheer. i want to, but only varsity. jv sucks, horridly. they're awful. lehman is the coach for varsity, i want to work with her. she's wonderful really. she pushes me, i love her as a teacher. i'm already working on my back hand springs, my front hand springs, &i just need to get my splits down then i think i can do it. i'm already naturally loud, &a trained monkey could call out cheers while smiling. plus i'm on her good side, that always helps. i'm hoping randy can help me get to where i want to be when i need to be there. tryouts are dead soon. i'm also hoping my parents will let me do it if i get it. it costs an arm&leg to be able to do it, but damn i want to so bad. i adore varsity cheer. they're so good. &i already know even though i'm a fatass, i could still be on there. it doesn't matter about weight...yet.
116. what the hell happened to me ?! i'm so ashamed. i looked through my pictures of me at 106. i was beautiful. or nearly beautiful. my ribs could be seen so well. i miss it. oh damn do i miss it. i can still fit into a size one, but it's somewhat tight. i hate it i hate it. i want to be 106 again. even 108 would be ok. i've been restricting to 400, but of course towards the end it's a little rocky. damnit. i'll get it though. i've been getting my ass up and to the gym. but i'm not on the same workout i was like before. i should be. usually i do cardio, stretching, then i use the wood floor room to practice dance. i should include abs and maybe legs into that as well ? i'll ponder on it.
mm and dance. i've reformatted my solo. along with acrobatics from randy i think it'll be a hit. or at least good enough for the show. i'm hoping. performance dance tryouts are a week or two after cheer. i'm not sure what i'm going to do. i don't feel to confident for it. i doubt i'll make it. i want to so bad though. or at least advance, but i'm doubting myself even there to. it's pathetic. i mean i don't feel super confident for cheer, but the only time i feel like i can't do it is when i'm near emily poes. god she's perfect. beautiful smile, comfortable being herself, great dancer, varsity cheerleader, hottest girl from her school (so says my own "boyfriend" &his friends). damnit she was the homecoming queen for fucking christ sake. she has a natural tan, beautiful long hair, perfect body. i'd kill to be her. i'd kill just to LOOK like her. how can i not be intimidated by that ? &she's in my dance class. so i get to feel even shitter than i already do everytime. dominic is the only one who knows how jealous i am of her. but whatever.
so besides dropping more weight, which is something i really need to do, i think i have my new hair style for next school year picked out. it's kind of similiar to what i have now, just with some brown mixed in. i want my hair longer, so just trimming up the ends of the layers is all for the cut, i'm kinda done with side bang though. it's juvenile. i'm going to do like amanda bynes does. her hair is beautiful. shit she's just beautiful &&talented. she's really thin to. ugh.
i just don't know what to do anymore. but then i do. i'm sort of at an unenthusatic neutral in my life. is that a good or bad thing ? well, i'm not sure.
Posted on 2009.02.04 at 23:28
february 4th
the funniest thing about this entry ? i'm typing it in the kitchen. i brought it in here to look up something for mom, but now i'm writing an entry. it seems so long. my mom just questioned what i was doing, she'll never know. i'm good at lying. so my life has been a rollercoaster. &it never stops. it's constant, i despise it. it all started once i went back to school. the guy i talked about liking ? nothing happened. he was a dick. but all guys are. literally. i swear rumours about me being a whore spread around so fast. i've taken to wearing a purity ring, but not just for appearances. for real. people are two faced, fake, &i hardly trust anyone as it is. until i have a vow&a ring on my finger saying you want me forever, through anything, then i think you're worth giving myself to. i think i've found god to. maybe because he's the only man (so the scripture says) that hasn't fucked me over. he seems to prove he exists, i just never noticed. i recently bought a bible, to read. i read the start of genesis, but i need to get into the swing of reading it.
so i ended up with the classes i wanted. weight training&dance. i adore dance. it's powerful, free, like myself. i already plan on audtioning for a solo. i ended up with the bitch teacher, but she adores me. i ended up with the girl i despise in my show group though. gerbil face. i want to push her off the stage. and crap peyton to. she won the solo to grease. mind you that is MY show, MY music, &the guy she's performing it with is utterly amazing. fuck her. she's going to die. i ended up making it as a principal dancer. i suppose that's good right ? i'm hoping it will help my chances when i try out for advance dance, maybe even the performance dance team ? i'd love to make it, but if i make advanced, that would be great to.
so next week i will have been dating this guy cody for a month now. i don't even remember how we got together, but we did. we've already said i love you. but i don't think it's love, it's just a habit to say. we already fight like cats&dogs. he makes me so angry it's crazy. but then he's so sweet as well. but he lectures me on my weight. that's going to be a problem. BIG TIME.
but is it bad...that i still like other people ? one of these people being one of his close friends eric ? i know i said i was over him, but i see him all the time now. and i've realized...i'm not. mind you he has a girlfriend&i would never act on it, but i feel horrible that i know i do. ¬ only him, but junior as well ! janae told me that his girlfriend cheated on him. damn, he should've cheated on her...with me. but just like i predicted she turned out to be the one girl that's gonna be with him for a long time&him&i would never have anything together. ta-da. he knows she cheated on him, but he's still with her. the worst part is she cheated on him with janae's ex's BROTHER. which junior knows without a doubt. i couldn't believe it. she doesn't deserve him, but then again, neither do i. i'm not sure if i still have feelings for him, but whenever we're together i just find myself choking down a single flame that was never put out between us. i'm stupid.
weight wise i...don't even want to talk about it.
i'm a faliure, huzzah.
Posted on 2009.01.04 at 22:09
january 4th
today was the last day for weakness. the last moment, the last moment. for anything horrible. for breaking. i just ate before bed. i just ate a BROWNIE before bed. how sick. ew. what has happened to me? it's been normal. i've been normal. i don't know why. yesterday i purged. but still i feel normal, fat, and ugly. ugh. tomorrow i'm going for 400 calories. tomorrow is the day i'm getting back to the gym or at working out at home. i get my classes tomorrow, hopefully weight training and dance. calorie burning classes. i will be thin. i will be perfect. happy, perfect, happy.
so i gave up on j. when i went to janae's house last we did nothing. no flirting, not even talking. it hurt. it hurt even more to know he was spending his new years with his girlfriend. i mean, that's what he's supposed to do. but it still hurt. and the night between me and janae was spent playing monoply listening to break up songs. how wonderful. it seemd like a perfect fit. but it's alright i guess. it wouldn't have worked anyways. i've moved on. i think i'm more sad that i've lost one more person who wanted me. i have an obsession with wanting people to want me. it's like i need it. i have to always have two or three people think i'm great, i'm beautiful, and or that they just want to be with me. it's a well fed obsession, but it's hard for me to get over when i loose someone, especially to someone else. it's a sick obsession, i hate it, but it keeps me alive.
there is this new guy on my mind now. i added him on myspace only a couple nights ago. edward michael macguire. or just michael, michael varsity as he is in my phone. after talking with janae and thinking about it i realized i wanted a country boy. once i added him he asked for my number. we've been texting. he's a country boy...from kentucky, where all my family is at. coincidence? i thought so. he's tall, older, has a truck, a rider. the image of a guy i've been interested in. plus the country boy i wanted to. it's to perfect. i like the idea of perfect. tonight we were texting. i told him i was going to take a shower, he wanted to come. i felt for a moment like i had him wrapped around my finger. i love that feeling. i've already thought about us dating, kissing. you know girls do that, think about things like that before they even KNOW the guy that much. at least as long as they have a physical attraction. i'm bad at it. i couldn't sleep because of it. but whatever. i told him i think he seems like a nice guy and he's good looking. i asked him if he liked any girls at the school, he replied kinda, i asked who, and he wouldn't tell who. i'm hoping it's me. could it be? maybe...ugh. i'm stupid.
tomorrow i go back to school. i'm on the fence about it. i'm going to go back and try to stick to my new persona. the stronger sexier version of me. hopefully it works. i don't know how long it'll last. i change often, so i'm not sure. but it's a persona i've tried to grasp, just never fully have. i'm not good at faking confidence and self esteem. especially when mine is lower then six feet under. eh. we'll see how it works. at least i can not eat there. it's easy to not eat at school where i'm in class and away from food. at home the kitchen is down the hall, you do the math.
tomorrow. blech. i just got a text from dominic saying good night babe. i wish it was michael calling me babe. damn.
Posted on 2008.12.24 at 00:36
december 23rd
so i think i love him. jj. damn it. i've fallen for him. i hardly know him. or at least i know him i just don't know him in detail. so how can i love him? it makes no sense. it makes all the sense. i love a boy i can't have and never will have anything with. maybe it's better like this. to live out my days just wanting him until finally i get over him. maybe i'm just being stupid right now and acting like i love him. maybe i just have a longer lasting crush. but my crush wouldn't have lasted this long. i think i'm just crazy. yes. crazy crazy crazy. that's all i am is crazy. but damn, i want him. physically, mentally, emotionally. i want to be his and give myself to him. damn it. damn him. just. DAMN.
i broke up with derek. i couldn't get over the fact that i love j and then date him. might as well do it now instead of later. he took it pretty well. but then again i also just told him that i wasn't ready for a relationship. not that hey, i think i love another guy who has a girlfriend. geez. he would've flipped at that. and that is the last thing i need is another guy hating me. or what would've happened is if he would've done that is that dominic would have been told and then he'd kick his ass and yeah...to much drama there. fuck. so christmas only came early this year and brought me a phone. oh well, at least it's a nice phone right? haha. ha. shit.
also i had an ok day with restricting. it was a little weak, but it was the best i've had in awhile. the first thing i did this morning though was binge-purge. but i held my chin up and didn't count it. i stayed strong. that's what i need to do. i need to stay strong. i need to fake my strength and confidence until maybe i can finally get some. i wonder if i can look up how to fake confidence. it'd be nice. i'm already good at being social. now just gotta nail confidence. and beauty.
speaking of i hope j thinks i look good after i get my hair cut. probably not. maybe. damnit. i'm going to wear my eyeliner like it is with my new haircut. then my playboy bunny necklace which i'm getting for christmas. which i know i got. i snuck a look at my presents. i'm that skilled. haha. to bad that along with those nice gifts is the food. two days of stuffing face. FUCK. i can get out of it for a day with purging. the next day though? shit idk. i can't think of shit. maybe i'll be able to. maybe not. probably not. shit shit shit. maybe if i don't eat the whole day and then just eat a tiny bit it won't hurt? i don't know. i'm thinking all i'm going to be able to do until after the firt of the year is maintain, and then start loosing. ugh. not setting specific dates to reach my goals this time. it didn't help for shit. i'm supposed to be 90 lbs in two days. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.
way to fail natalie, way to fucking fail.
Posted on 2008.12.21 at 00:33
december 20th
how is it that once i have everything i want, i'm still miserable? maybe it's because i don't really have everything exactly i want. but i can't always have exactly what i want. why? but then again why is it such a big deal that i don't? i'm selfish. a selfish spoiled bitch. damn it. i finally have a great phone and a boyfriend who adores me. so why do i still want to cry myself to sleep? because my boyfriend isn't him. it isn't j. it's derek. and derek is a sweet, cute guy--but he's not him. i'm going to hell. i shouldn't date him. maybe i should break up with him. but what would be my excuse? oh yeah, "i can't date you because i have an insane crush on janae's younger brother j, but no we can't date because he has a fucking girlfriend." and shit. he probably thinks i'm pathetic, j. he must think i'm so funny to have around. a real boost to his ego i bet. i hate him. no i don't. what is it about him that is driving me wild? i don't get it. i really really don't. i hate it with a passion. i hate it so much i ate a whole fucking box of raisinets and gummi-life savers.
oh wait i did that because i'm a huge fat ass. yesterday i managed to go the whole day without eating. today wasn't as lucky. i ate sun flower seeds, pisatchios, and skittles at janaes. i managed to not eat at the christmas party for her dad's work. but what a small achievement that was. with my own family i ate french fries with my mom, one box of raisinets with her, then panda express for dinner. i purged as much as i could in the shower. not much obviously, but i'm praying. but then of course once i stop texting j i just go crazy and eat a whole fucking box of raisinets and the rest of the damn gummy life savers. fuck me. fuck my life. i hate myself. i hate me i hate me i hate me. i'm so damn pathetic. without a joke.
christmas is coming soon. i told santa, yeah right, that all i wanted was either a new phone or a nice boy. i got both. but i should've put on the list underneath the nice boy "jeff junior". because he was really who i wanted. but no luck there. ugh. i'm going to hell. i spent the whole day flirting with him. i'm such a whore. a slutty pathetic whore. i even ended up sitting in his lap. like straddling. i wanted to kiss him so bad. i even told him that once we started texting. it's ridiculous the way he makes me feel. the way i can just act like such a school girl around her crush within moments of him being around me. i thought i was ok the night before when i just saw him for the couple hours after coming home from the movies with derek. i had no intentions of flirting with him at all. but then it just happened the next day. and oh. of course his girlfriend is sick and he wanted to go walk allll the way over to her house to visit her. instead he couldn't go and we ended up flirting. i hope she has cancer. no, damnit no i don't. what i really hope for is that in her bought of utter sickness she breaks up with him. damn, then what about me with derek? crap.
fuck my life. fuck my fat, pathetic, life.
Posted on 2008.12.16 at 22:48
december 16th
i just want to die. crawl up and die. pop a couple pain pills or sleeping pills and never wake up. i'll be dressed in a vain white gown and laid in a tomb like juliet. only i shall have no romeo. no fair youthful beauty. just ugly fat lonliness. i can't even go a day without binging and or purging. not even a day. and i was doing so well. now here i am. typing. tearing up. ashamed of myself. my mom just had to leave. i wanted her to leave. so i could eat. what a fatass i am. and i don't even know how many calories i ate. over 100 that's for sure. i pick the things i eat apart. i never eat the whole of whatever i'm eating. i pick at it. like a crow. to bad i'm to fat to even be able to fly like one.
i wanted to go to the gym today. of course that didn't work out. never does. tomorrow. probably not. i hope. i'm going to westgate with derek, alex, dominic, and kayla. dominic wanted to date me and thinks i'm the greatest fucking thing--but we settled on being friends so now he's gonna try and get kayla. derek and alex used to date, and now that me and dominic are just going to be friends him and i have talked about getting together. thing is is that alex still likes him a lot--he's one of the only guys that made her happy. i don't want to have more drama. i don't want her to hate me. and also...i realized something.
i still like jeff.
mother fucker! i hate him! i don't know why, but i do. i hate it i hate it. i hate him. all yesterday we were flirting. then we started texting. basically i said i wanted to make his day better&what would he like me to do to make it better, he said what he wanted we couldn't do--meaning something that would be cheating with his gf. i told him i thought he didn't like me like that anymore cause he stopped texting me. he said and I FUCKING QUOTE "i chilled out because i flirt with you more then my girlfriend when we text". WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY DO YOU DATE HER?! can't you see me over here?! i like you like crazy! i want to be yours more then anything! but you don't see me. i'm just a toy to play with. i feel so...used.
and now i'm angry. a revelation. i wonder what she has that i don't. i bet she's thinner then i am. i bet she's prettier then i am. i bet she's smarter then i am. i bet she's everything i'm not. i wish i was more like her. i wish i was her. then again, do i? cause obviously he has no problem flirting with me and liking me more then her. i hate my life. i hate myself. and yet through all this i'll more then likely end up dating derek after winter break. i can see myself with him. but i'm not all giddy about it. i hardly know him though. maybe once i do i'll be giddy. maybe not. because i know if i wanted him he'd be mine. i can't have jeff. that's why i want him so bad. always wanting what i can never have. just like being thin. i can never have it. but i want it. like crazy. i'd die for it. i'd kill for it. why do i have to be so pathetic?
i want to bawl. the tears are coming slowly, stopping, starting again. i want to kiss derek tomorrow. i want to be in jeff's arms and have him want me and have me. why is love so complicated? why do i deserve this? what have i done wrong? i want to be more like her. and she is not me. she is the better me. she is the me i wish i was. 90 lbs or less. on all the great sports teams. club leaders. perfect girlfriend with the perfect boyfriend. smart. skilled. not. me.
kill me. put me down. i don't want to wake up. i don't want to live. if i die no more calories. no more boys. no more friends. no more lies. no more doubt. no more insecurity. no more nothing. i should be more like her.
Posted on 2008.12.14 at 22:27
december 14th
i don't know who said spring was the season where love is in the air, but they were full of shit. if anything it's winter--now. i swear everywhere i turn someone who didn't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend last week is holding hands or posting pictures of them and their snuggle buddy. it's horrible. everyone has someone. so why not me? why am i the one left out in the cold? but then again, why am i surprised? but it's not like i couldn't not have a boyfriend. i'm just waiting for the right boyfriend. i know what i want...but then again i don't. i'm just sort of waiting for it to show up. when it does, i'll know. but so far that hasn't happened. i thought it has, once or twice. but it hasn't.
take stefan. that metrosexual jerk. i'm ditzy?! i'm annoying!? you bitch. i thought you were a good guy. what crap. ugh. whatever. honestly that doesn't hurt me as much as the fact as him saying he's "loosing interest" in me. what am i? a cosmo for you? i'm not a magazine asshole. i'm a human being. loosing interest in me. wow. thanks for making me feel like your used kleenx. then again i'm not even used. i didn't get that honor. you just pulled me out of the tissue box, examined me, then determined i wasn't worthy for your snot. well shove it up the tail pipe. i'll never date you. i knew you weren't good enough. obviously i wasn't for you. i'm never good enough am i? for anyone i want. sure i am for people who want me, but i don't feel the same. but there is never a double sided connection. it's just one. and obviously this one was like a one watt bulb. burnt out now huh?
i just wish i could find that giddy crush that turns into something real. i'm sick of giddy crushes that go no where and then no giggly bubbles, but hope, getting dashed before it flames. i'm sick of having guys want to be with me but i feel nothing. i'm sick of wasting my time on guys that only want me for the moment, that once i'm not there "girlfriend", their "baby", that they're willing to forget everything and crush me. i'm sick of maybe finding something in a guy, but he's only half of what i want...maybe it's all my fault. i'm to picky. damn. damn. damn. i just miss love. i miss being missed. i miss being a part of something, a part of someone. i hate being alone.
christmas is coming. i see the lights outside my window. they look the same as they have every year before. the house is much the same. it doesn't feel like christmas, but still the decorations are a blunt reminder. one morning i'll just wake up and it'll be christmas. but that's not what i keep remembering. all i keep remembering is a year ago is when i fell into my eating habits now. it was about a year ago when i started restricting, started loosing, started destroying everything. or at least helping it along. a couple weeks ago would have been my one year anniversary with jj. i wonder if he thought about it. probably not. another guy who loved me, another one who hates me. a part of me wonders what would have happened if we didn't break up. would we have ended anyways? i wonder. oh well. the past is the past.
i keep watching house and wondering what it would be like if i was on there. if one day i just was purging and my throat started bleeding but i lied and then got sent to him. i could see his reactions, his remarks, his team being shocked as they figured out everything in the end. it actually seems quiet amusing. i'm surprised i haven't gotten any blood yet. i've purged more lately then i have in so long. it just seems so routine though. purging in the shower, bingeing when no one is home then purging that. ugh. and this weekend has been horrible. ah who the fuck am i kidding? my will power has just been horrible. fat fat fat failure. that's all i am. i keep telling myself that this day is my last day! and this is my last meal! and i can start fresh! ugh. what garbage. to bad that's what i still believe in. tomorrow is another attempt at a restart. a clean slate. i plan to restrict to 350. with one hot cocoa in the morning [25], a water at lunch [0], and oatmeal at home[110], plus another cocoa at night[25], that's only 160. so plenty of room incase of fuck ups. but there will be none. i hope. i know. damn. maybe i'll get my tubby ass to the gym tomorrow. i bet i can't even do fourty minutes on the elliptical. damn. failure. HELLO MY NAME IS FATASS! RIGHT HERE! <----- FATTIE. TUBBY. LARD. i can hardly see my ribs. my hipbones are almost nonexistant. my collarbone is pathetic. i miss willpower. i miss hunger. i miss success. i miss not being pathetic.
Posted on 2008.12.10 at 21:59
december 10th
is it any surprise that i fail on my goal? honestly. 90 lbs by xmas, which is two weeks away, and i'm still flubbering around the weight i started at. god fucking damn me! i'm such a fucking fat failure. like no joke. i'm pathetic. and it's all my fault. whenever i go to janae's, which is often, i break. i break at my own home. i'm just a pathetic broken failure. i'm horrible, i'm ugly. i'm fat. people and their stupid comments about how "tiny" i am or how "small" i am aren't helping. they're deterring me! god fucking damn it. and then coach fucking lee. with her comment on my PERFECT bmi. DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN. i hate it! I NEED TO GET BACK. I NEED MY WILL POWER BACK. I need to lose. i need to stop being so fat. if i get down to my perfect weight...down to where i'm TINY for sure, then i'll find the right guy.
and guys, i'm not even fucking going there. it went from eric to jj to adrian and then to dominic&stefan. now it's just...geez i don't even FUCKING know. god why can't i be like staci? just with a better friggin personality. i mean, she's beautiful and all the buff hot guys love her. why can't i get that? do they only like airheads? i don't get it. any of it. fuck. and then that other girl on myspace...i want to look like her. she's beautiful. she's a model. she's perfect. perfect skin, perfect makeup, perfect smile, perfect everything. i think i know how i could get my makeup like hers. i just need to practice. thank god for the winter break. i have my style down, now i just need to get the rest done. my makeup is first. then my hair and nails is pretty much figured out. i just need to loose the fat i have and get perfectly thin like them. perfect. perfect. perfect. stefan said i wasn't small. he's right. i'm not. but i will be.
my mom is ignoring me again. she just loves to stab me, then once i shed enough blood, stab me again. she knows what comments to make to just keep hurting me. the sad thing is is that i'm used to it. should i be surprised? maybe not. oh well. maybe i should be. i don't even know. i'm so out of it right now but i have a flurry and jumble just shuffling through me. ugh. i should be exercising. but no. fat failure me is to tired and i'm pretty much giving up for tonight. double the duty tomorrow? yes that sounds nice. i haven't been to the gym in FOREVER. need to get my fat ass there. need to at least start losing. 90 lbs isn't going to happen, but maybe 98? i hope. i want that perfect BMI to be below perfect. that way if something slips i'll be ok. crap NO. no planning for slips. NO SLIPS. just perfection. god this is what happens when i'm fucking so damn out of it and yet still trying to think.
all i know though is that i want to look like her. that JUNIOR MODEL. she's so beautiful. thin, beautiful, PERFECT. why can't i be her? i want to meet her. ask her how she does it. just ABSORB half of what she is. why can't i? i wonder if she'd meet with me. that's weird. shut up. god i'm so damn pathetic. LOSE, LOSE, LOSE. become PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT. crap. tired. damn. why?
Posted on 2008.12.01 at 22:31
december 1st
a birthday spent crying. and vomiting. and hating. and wanting. and not being good enough. of never being good enough. honestly i'm not surprised it turned out like this. i've been having way to good a time, way to good a life these past days or so, it was time for it to turn and bite me in the ass. really it's pathetic. i'm pathetic. i mean me crying over j is fucking stupid. he has a girlfriend, i set myself up for this. she's probably prettier and sweeter and cuter and nicer and skinner and athletic and everything else. i'm nothing but a fat ugly never good enough slut. look at me. flirting with some girl's boyfriend while she doesn't even know i EXIST. what the hell is wrong with me? i hate it. i hate him. i want him. he was my birthday wish. he's been my 11:11 wish for i don't even know how long. i'm trying to hard. i make him brownies and a card from scratch and it was worth nothing. it was pointless. did i honestly think that he might be like "damn my girl didn't do this she's great i want to be with her, we're over jessica"? how cracked out am i? i'm so fucking stupid. stupid stupid stupid. he's the guy everyone loves, the good guy. i don't deserve the good guy. he doesn't deserve a fuck up like me. he doesn't even know. but he won't know anyways. i might be stupid but i'm not stupid enough to know that nothing will ever happen. i know what'll go on. either he's gonna last with jessica for awhile or he's gonna last a short time with her and then find someone else or come to me, but we'll just be getting close and then he'll come to kellis and bam. he'll have girls all over him. everywhere. and i'll fade into the shadows like i always do. i can't compare to all the other beautiful girls at my school. those perfectly thin and well out girls who if he wanted anyone of them he could have them. i'm so stupid. how did i ever think i had a chance? i'm sending him one text tomorrow, wishing him a happy birthday. then i'm done texting him. i'll still see him when i go over to janae's--which i'll probably do often since i like it more over at her house then my own sometimes. i'll just fade out. fade out.
the christmas lights are up. i don't remember a birthday of mine where they weren't. i wish we could have snow. a white christmas. i wish i could go to flagstaff, maybe just me and janae. just pack up and get the hell away from everything. but i don't want to get to clingy. that's always bad. look what happens when clingy-ness happens? pain. it's a blunt equation. either way. finals are coming up and i'm only mainly worried about my spanish final. i can swing by with a ninty at least are the rest of them. i don't want next semester to start, but it's going to. whatever. i really don't want another semester of math and to start all over again. i fucking SUCK at starting over, but what can i do right? i guess i just have to get the fuck over it. i'm to sensitive. it sucks because i only have three more weeks of being in the same class as janae. i'm afraid of seperation. already. shit natalie shit. getting in to deep. but i love her really. to bad i eat at her damn house. damn damn damn damn.
so i ate like shit again today. AGAIN. it began after P.E.--this shit is ridiculous--the coach bought the class doghnuts for being so good while the sub was here, which honestly we fucking sucked but whatever. i didn't eat one, but took a bite of janae's. chewed it then spit it out in the toilet and flushed. got to her house and downed a regular dr. pepper in no time flat. it was digusting. then we fixed her brother brownies and i got away with only eating a sliver, saying to much chocolate makes me sick. then HE bought pizza in return for the brownies and for my birthday. i ate only one small slice. ugh. fuck. we went running around their trailer park and it felt good just to jog through with the cold on my shoulders, but it wasn't anywhere near my usual. so after i get picked up what do i go and buy? a MOTHER FUCKING OREO MILKSHAKE. i don't even KNOW what the HELL i was thinking! honestly! i drank nearly friggin all of it. then purged in the shower. i weighed myself after and it came up to 107.5. i was still wet and still in the aftermath of purging so idk if it's accurate at all. tomorrow i plan on just fasting till i get home--i have guitar so no go to janae's haha. then restricting up until 200 cals i guess. i'm getting to lienant. it's horrible. i'm never gonna fucking drop my fatass weight down to 90.
i popped a pill to get to sleep. i'm in no mood to do bicyles or crunches. double time tomorrow. it's my birthday present to me i guess. cry myself to sleep? maybe the tears would be better seeped in on my pillow then kept inside my sockets. happy fucking birthday. one more year till i'm sixteen, working, and driving. depending on myself...it's better that way. less pain. and the sadder thing is? he still is all that is on my mind.
Posted on 2008.11.30 at 00:48
november 29th
how can he friggin do this to me? i don't understand it! it's not fucking fair. who is wrapped around who's finger?! is it i around his, or him around mine? i just wish it was neither. i just wish it was me in his arms, my hand in his, his name and mine. together. god fucking damn. fuck my life. i'm falling for a guy with a girlfriend. a girlfriend that he says doesn't even act flirty with him and they've only been together what, two weeks? it's not fair. why does he stay with her? when i talk to him i act like i don't care, hell i act like i care, but in a positive manner--saying things like "oh did you see her today? you did that's FANFUCKINGTASTIC". ugh. i'm more jumbled now then ever. i like him, a lot. another horribly pathetic crush. i can't stop thinking about him. he's the last and first thought on my mind every damn day. when he's not texting me i wish he was. and when he is i'm wishing i was with him. like last night.
last night was by far almost exactly how i wanted it to happen. mind you it took the WHOLE FUCKING DAY--well he had work so, the few hours i saw him--for it to happen. but at the end of the night it was him and I under the covers, watching the movie with his dad in his chair and his sister in the other while him and i laid together on the pull out futon. before that we had been laying on the couch, which he so happily stole, i was sitting between his legs while he laid down, but i easily made the transition to laying with my head on his chest and his arms around me. then the futon. i laid right next to him. each of our hands held the other's. his foot would rub against mine. though part of me wishes i would've turned my back to his chest and wrapped his arm around me i can't help but admitting that it was perfect either way. i know i should feel bad...for us acting this way why his girlfriend is completely fucking oblivious. but honestly...i'm the one who feels like she's being used. a part of me feels like i'm just the girl he can mess with while he goes off and has a normal relationship with her. stupid fucking seventh grade bitch. i don't even know her and i already don't fucking like her. she can have him in the way i can't. i hate her. i loathe her. but maybe i should be more mad at him. another part of me wonders if he's just trying to see how far he can get with me. ugh. i hardly flirt with him for a week and this all flurries into hurricane fucking katrina. excluding the black people. it's just...while we holding hands...i would turn my eyes to look at him, and there was just a brief silence there where i wish...i could've told him everything about how i felt and yet used no words. i wished i could have kissed him. after the movie was over and he went to bed i layed there for probably an hour or so just wishing...wishing he'd come and get me to sleep in his arms.
i woke up first. well, besides janae's dad who cooks louder then a friggin gay mardi gra parade. i love him but holy crap. how could she sleep through that? i didn't really sleep well that night anyways. i was flip flopping between sides. i knew i should've brought my pills to pop. i never sleep quiet that well when i'm in a new place. eh. i also had a lot of thoughts on my mind. mainly all of it on fricken him. it's kinda hard not to have him on the brain when he's RIGHT DOWN THE BLOODY HALL. crap. and the suckiest part of it all was he had work that morning. after janae's dad went to work i coulda snuck in and seen if he was awake. maybe i could've gotten those few minutes within his arms. those arms around me always feel so..nice and protective and warm. so warm. no go though. i spent the rest of the day with janae, went with her over to her moms, but before i did i left a note for jj. it said i hope he had a nice day at work, to have fun at the party and tell jess i said happy birthday--it took a lot not to put down OH YEAH AND TO BREAK UP WITH HER--and also that i liked last night. my mom picked me up RIGHT as janae's mom left to go pick him up. like seriously, she left the trailor park just as my mom entered. GREAT mother fucking timing. i saw his mom's car at the pizzera as we drove by. he must have already been in the car, i didn't see him.
my mom took me to plato's where i fit into some nice size small shirts. i don't remember but i think there was one or two extra small shirts that fit to. i'm surprised. i've eaten like shit for what seems like ever. on monday i bought some mix to make jj a super strong chocolate brownie cake with blue frosting. fabulous. i'm going to try and stick to 250 cals. maybe i should fast tomorrow. i'll try. i'm going to try and not weigh myself for awhile. i'll tell janae that i ate something funny at lunch and the chocolate would make me sick. i just got it to make her and jj happy anyways. i love it when they're happy with me. but shit. horrible. i don't even WANT to know how many calories i've eaten today and the day before. though i must admit, even though it was probably a gazillion calories...eating the piece of pizza that jj probably made at the pizzera made me feel so damn special. geez.
oh okay so on my way home i seriously have a hyperactive attack. i think it was the two dr.pepper's i had--normal not diet, DAMN. shit idk. all i know is that only one person and one thing was running through my mind at a GAZILLION MILES A FUCKING MINUTE. jeff. jj. j. junior. WHY?! but of friggin course my phone was dead, the aftermath of him and i switching phones when he went to work. i had to leave the bitch at home to charge while i went out. i wanted to txt him before his party but no go. instead he didn't txt me until tenish or eleven. either way, the text made me squeel and leap like a school girl. he told me that the note i left made his day and thanks. we contiued texting until just before i started this entry. he was tired and went to bed. i'm tired, but still i needed to get this down. he left the convo JUST as we were starting to get into some decently serious stuff. it basically began with him saying something about the way i act around him he loves, i asked what he meant, he said flirty, i said doesn't his girlfriend act the same. he said SOMETIMES. oh. my. god. and he said he gets butterflies around me--though that's what i said i get around him, so he could be pulling that one out his ass. it's just...i know he has a girlfriend but, fuck. doesn't he see how much i like him? don't i show it enough if i friggin want to LAY in bed with him and sleep in his arms?! and well...other things mentioned to that aren't so innocent...EITHER WAY! why is she so great? i just wish i could know that, if he really wanted to and could, would he break up with her for me. to bad that's not one of those questions you can ask flat out. tha'd be weird. HEY WOULD YOU BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR ME? OH REALLY K THANKS. uh no it doesn't work like that. fuck my LIFE. how can he do this to me? i want to see him. i want last night to repeat. i'm going to go do bicyles. 200 or bust. then bed. popping a pill. going to bed. i hope he thinks about me whenever he tosses or turns. i wish i was in his dreams. i want him in mine tonight.
Posted on 2008.11.27 at 21:40
november 27th
i friggin hate thanksgiving. hate it hate it hate it. why does it have to exist? why does it have to revolve around nothing but eating?! i hate it! i swear my mom cooks enough food for a third world country. i tried to be good, tried to play by the rules. i weighed in at 108 today. damn. that means i have to loose 4-5 pounds if i want to reach my goal by xmas. i can do it. i hope. no, i will. fuck. at dinner today i started out feeling normal...just put the potatoes, brocoili, and turkey on my plate like nothing was wrong. i passed up the rolls and the deviled eggs. but as the meal contiued i slumped back, spread my food around my plate. i spoke maybe once or twice the whole meal and the only reason i did was because i was questioned. i thought i was strong, i had made it! the friggin an hour later they break out the pie and i fall into eating two rolls...then have a couple of pinch's of stuffing and ham and pie. damn. damn damn damn DAMN. i purged all i could in the shower, i soon came to nothing but heaving. it was horrible. i didn't get it all up. then no later then an hour after i purged i ate another roll, an icecream bar, and a small piece of pumpkin cake. god friggin damn natalie.
my weight came up again to. basically it started out with our neighbors picking on their son about eating a lot. i was jealous. i wish my parents would tell me to EAT LESS instead of MORE. stupid thing was though i said it outloud. my mom gave me the harshest glare and then my sister in law and my neighbor started in on how they wish they could weigh 108. well good, they can. i don't want to. then i have this horrible addiction to pie crust. my neighbor who had commented on how she wanted to weigh 108 said that the crust was the most fattening part of the pie. i groaned and, though it was playfully, complained to her about her telling me that. she, my mother, and sister in law started in on with "with as skinny as i am, i won't need to worry about it!". so friggin what. i don't want to digest FAT. ew ew ew.
tomorrow i'm going over to janae's house at around two? we usually do the whole thanksgiving thing twice because my mom makes so much. i'm getting out of it this year. same thing for when we pull it twice for christmas. it's ridiculous. i told my mom we're going to the gym on monday cause i want my dad to pick me up from janae's. i'm not going to miss the chance. especially since on tuesday i can't because of guitar. fuck. but i'm not just going over to her house that early because i want to get the heck out of my house. i also want to see her brother, which she now knows i have a crush on. the bad thing is though is that he's going to target with her, some other person, and his girlfriend. god why can't i ever just have a "i like him, he likes me, we get together, it works out" kinda thing? honestly? but wow...last night when we started texting he got into some seriously sexual topics. a horn dog. wow. i like it. i'm going to hell. but i'm rusty on my seduction, maybe some practice would be nice? i painted my nails fire red. i'd wear eyeliner if not for the fact that one, i think it's a bit to much sometimes, and two i'm going to be sleeping in my makeup and sleeping in eyeliner does NOT look good in the morning. i'm debating on whether i should wear shorts or not. i probably will to show off my nice smooth and lotioned legs. they also make my ass [ewwihaveanass] look great and he said he loves that body part on a girl. i'll flirt up a storm, pull a couple of the moves he told me he likes--leg to leg touching, exuding myself in a sexy manner etc, etc--and i'll have him wrapped around my finger. i know i'm a bad girl and honestly i don't care. he'll spend some time with his girl and then come to me and see the difference. i'm not some pathetic seventh grader. i grew out of that. i know what the hell i'm doing. i know what could go wrong and the danger excites me. i could be a siren if i wanted to. she's probably nothing but a guppy. ha.
oh and maroon 5, you are the fire to my soul. secret is ever befitting for my mood of sensual bliss. well mine...and j's. hahaha.
Posted on 2008.11.26 at 20:53
november 26th
i flip flop a lot. is it a bad thing? not in this case. haha. i look at my last entry and wonder what the hell i was thinking, though a fragment of me still remembers. all of that, that stupid crush? poof! it's gone. all it took was a couple hours and another guy. geez i'm horrible but oh well. it worked out for the better. really it did. this was one of those things you notice that happens and you can see the reason behind it. i'm glad. i mean...if me and jeff ever did get together it would probably be a lot better then me and eric. ever. god now that i look at it what was i even THINKING? was i smoking? ugh. stupid natalie. just wanting what she can't have. or maybe in better terms what she shouldn't have. yeah. that's it.
the best thing about it all is that janae approves. she is totally on the boat if him and i ever got together. bad thing is that he already has a girl. some stupid seventh grader. tres mal. oh well. if i can hook him in a few hours, i'm sure i can keep him there for awhile. i know it's horrible of me to want him, to flirt with him. i know if he ever broke up with her for me i'd feel horrible. but i'd get over it. like heartburn. haha. and geez. he's so cute. he's tall and athletic and funny. he dresses in nice clothing. he has a friggin JOB. and the first time i saw him yesterday i was BRUSHING MY TEETH! and he still thought i was beautiful. how crazy right? god. i must have seemed like such a loser. especially the time before when i tried leaving their house outside the damn pantry door instead of the actual one. smooth move. ugh. it was funny though. and through all this you know what's even funnier? he's younger then me. i said i could never date or like someone younger then me. then i met him. well...that was thrown out the window.
i've also noticed how much janae means to me. how do i know this? because i'm already working to please her. i swear everytime i act "cute" i do it to try and make her smile and compliment me on just how cute she thinks i am. i want her to like me and think i am like that. i mean, i am, and sometimes i do it unintentionally--just naturally--but still. when someone matters to me a whole lot i begin to want to please them. to make them happy with me. so far, janae is someone who is very easy to do that with. i like it. less effort, but i still get to enjoy her as a person. honestly she is friggin close to me as ever lately. i can't believe i didn't see it. i hope we don't grow apart. no. i won't let us. i want her to remain a good friend. ugh. second semester is gonna suck. i won't have a class with her. hopefully i can keep going over to her house. i don't think she'll mind.
and speaking about going over to her house i am this weekend. friday we're planning to go to the movies, then i'll spend the night there. a girls night out. wow. i haven't had that in forever. but i keep running over the fantasy of her brother laying on the couch, or in his bed, and somehow i come and slip beside him and rest in his arms. i want to inhale his scent again. feel his arm around me like i did when i laid my head against his chest. everytime it seemed like we were going to turn or hit a bump he would tighten his grip around me. it was comforting. no other guy has ever done that. is it a sign? a sign of difference? i mean...that would be nice, especially since his nick name is jj...hahaha right?
one sucky thing about being janae though is i eat. fuck. i was supposed to be on a fast yesterday. i almost lasted to. then she broke out cheezits and caramel corn. break break break. i ate a few. probably an ounce worth of the corn, and a handful or so of the cheezits. i also had the urge to eat once i got home. which i did. damn me! i'm starting to become weak. my mind is starting to think i look ok--but ok isn't good enough. friggin natalie. the same as always. give up when you're so damn fucking close. stop pussying out. stop being a little bitch and get through it. 90 lbs by xmas. how hard is that?! damnit. restricting all next week, even on my bday. no ruining it just cause i'm another year older. i will be hitting the gym that day. as long as my dad can pick me up from janae's house. i'll buy a water at lunch and take it with me to her house. water. clean. zero cal. sweetness. oh and also--braces are god. it hurts, i hate them, but the rubberband in my mouth keeps me from binging on foods that require chewing, or at least a lot of it. i'm going to keep it in forever, or at least when i'm not at janae's around j. dang. oh well. thank you for keeping me away from completely and utterly faultering.
tomorrow is thanksgiving. white meat turkey, zero cal butter on gravy-less mashed potatoes, only one roll if i feel weak, and brocoili. period. that's it. i will not break for pie. if anything, i'll eat one or two ice pops...after i purge the rest of that garbage in the shower. i'll have a good excuse cause i'll be out and won't be able to take a shower the next day. i just gotta worry about the timing...i can't purge right away. maybe an hour or so later? hopefully it comes up. i'm still debating about taking laxatives...shit. i hate you turkey day. why couldn't we fast instead of be seduced by gluttony? condem you.
Posted on 2008.11.23 at 19:53
novemeber 23rd
mark this day your damn calender. i swear this is the day, the night, that i am taking a turn for the better. i have this wave of power. and all it took was a letter. a simple letter. i was planning on writing eric a letter, just for him to know i exist and i had him on my mind blahlblah. i couldn't think of shit to say, or at least i couldn't say what i wanted, so i wrote a single letter expressing everything i feel for him, and the plus side? he'll never friggin read it. here it is:
eric,
you will never get this letter. ever. but it is everything i wish i could tell you. i know i'm absolutely crazy for it, but this is the raw truth.
i like you. i have the hugest, most pathetic, school girl crush on you. i can't get you outta my head, you drive me friggin insane! it scares me what you do to me. i haven't felt like this in what seems like forever. i get butterflies around you; my heart beats faster and i can't breathe. just the concept of seeing you makes me giggly. but i'm so shy, so nervous around you. you're the only guy i've been like that with since...i don't even know. i look forward to seeing you everyday, i miss you in fifth hour. when you hug me i wish you wouldn't let me go. i wish you could look at me and see how i felt...and i wish i knew if you felt the same or not. the idea of you just flat out asking me out is impossible, but i keep playing it over and over in my head. i loose all of my backbone when i see you in the morning. it's pathetic, i'm pathetic, i know. i wish you would think about me, i wish you would want me. i wish i could be yours. that's all i want--to be yours.
natalie
and i don't know it was about that, but now i am one million more times determined. if i have to doll up to the point the makeup makes me sick i don't care, as long as he notices me. as long as he sees how much i like him and if i can friggin find out if we have a chance. hollie is asking him tomorrow if he likes anyone. i want to know. i hope he says yes...and i hope he means me. it would break my heart if he said he liked some other girl. it would. but i'm determined. both towards him and my goal. i will friggin get to 90 pounds even if it kills me. i will have eric davis know just how crazy i am about him. in the oddly precise fitting words of michael buble;
the more i see you,
the more i want you,
somehow this feeling just grows and grows,
and with every sigh i become more mad about you,
more lost without you,
and so it goes
the more i see you,
i gotta have you.
Posted on 2008.11.23 at 00:23
november 22nd
today was a waste of my life. or at least majority of it was. woke up to early. i wanted to wake up at least around twelve so i could text eric and not make it look to eager. i woke up and made myself not text him till eleven oh two. then i got dressed and went with my parents to parade about the city. i didn't want to stay home, i wanted something to do. plus i wanted to stay as far away from the kitchen as possible. i always binge when they're gone and i hate it. the farther away i stay from the house and that damn kitchen while i'm alone the better. the first stop we went to was fry's electronics. it was dull. i'm not into electronics as much as i used to be since well, i don't play video games at all if at least rarely, i get all my music off limewire, i have a laptop, and there is nothing much else i desire. my mom is so driven to get me the traditional "one big christmas gift". at first i wanted the new ipod nano, but i thought on it and realized mine is perfectly fine. next was a nintendo ds. but i realized how horrible the graphics are and it would give me a heartattack at how disgusting they were. then my mom got the idea that maybe i might like my own psp. i said no, i would just use the one we have between my dad and i. that's a 200-300 buck waste right there if i just wanted my own. no thanks. i came up with one for her though. i want to decorate my bathroom, the whole shabang. paint, new curtains and stuff. i want the theme i had in my bedroom before it turned pink. a nice soft neutral tan plus crimson, gold, and rich violet. my mom got mad at the idea at first since we just bought new curtains and rugs and all, but if she's so damn driven to get me a big gift she'll at least consider it, also for the fact that she wanted to redo the bath anyways.
next was lunch. fuck fuck fuck. lunch, out. and at the olive garden. that resturant sells food with SO many calories in it. it honestly should be a crime. i now realize why they make resturants like it so friggin freezing, it's so your body can try and work off all that fat you just ate with your food. we started off with salad, but since i didn't order the soup and salad combo like my folks i got a smaller bread plate which my mom placed a small amount of salad on. i ate most of the big pieces, then just pushed it around. i downed a glass of diet coke. then i had to order. fuck. i ordered the artichoke spinach dip. i knew i wouldn't eat it. it was creamy and cheese filled. but i thought i could get away with just eating some of the bread. and i did. i ate only maybe half of the small circles of bread they had cut up. my mom had to leave half way through our lunch cause my brother screwed up some how again, and she had to come fix it. so i was left between me and my dad. the rest of the lunch went as so:
dad: you need to eat more.
me: -sipping an entire glass of diet coke-
dad: you need to finish all of it, i know you're trying to loose weight but i've had it up to here. you loose any more weight or whatever, i don't care anymore. that diet coke is all your going to have, all your going to live off of fine. i just don't care. i paid for the food you might as well eat it. why did you even order it?!
me: -still silent and looking at him, furious-
dad: you do whatever, loose all the weight you want. i don't care. i'll send you to the base and tell you your anorexic and they can place you wherever they want cause i'm done.
me: so you're going to take a girl of normal weight and healthy bmi to a hospital saying i'm anorexic? even though i eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
dad: yes, cause i don't care anymore.
me: that makes a lot of sense. i'm done with this conversation.
dad: ...-contiues on with some of the same crap and then eventually shuts the fuck up-
and all the while we were surronded by other customers who were incredibly thin. a small girl who looked only a bit shorter then me sat across from us. she ordered the hugest lasanga pasta dish crap and stuffed her face with it and salad. IT MADE NO SENSE. it wasn't fair. then there was this other older lady who had a son and a husband who was crazy thin. her legs were maginficent. and here i was being forced to eat when food was the last thing i needed. i need to be thin. i can't stand this fat. i almost cried. i went to the bathroom once because i was freezing after trying to fill up on about three or four glasses of diet coke. i was shivering so bad. i tried running my hands under the faucet of warm water. then i forced myself to go back to the table with him. i was still shaking. he left once. the waitress who had been serving us came to the table while he was gone. she had brought a box for the leftovers. she went to grab the dip and in a split second i stopped her. she gave me this concerned look. i was distant and told her it tasted funny and i didn't like it. she took it off the tab. yeah dad, see, you didn't pay for food i didn't eat. i did however pack the five dipping slices of bread, four of the regular breadsticks, and the tidbit of salad left. finally after paying we stood outside the resturant waiting for my mom to come pick us up. i was glad to be warm finally, but all i kept seeing were thin girls walk on by me. i wanted to sob. i wanted to scream at my dad. i hate him. and my mother? oh god. when we got home and my dad was in the other room, we had our own fight. but that was when i had had it. i blew up. she said i was close to anorexic. she said that i think i know everything just because i believe a couple of books. BOOKS I FOUND IN AN EDUCATIONAL FACILITY. dumbass. i think i know everything and here she is being a hypocritical bitch acting just the same. i learn from the best, mother dearest. i forced myself to eat a pops to go pack of cereal and a granola bar. i was supposed to go to the movies with my friends, i wasn't in the mood anymore after that.
they left soon after. then there i went, binge. i surely went over 600 cals. i purged. while i was purging i looked at my legs. they looked thin. then after i was done, after i had all that food out, they turned back into the same slices of fat they've always been. i'm going crazy. then when they came home my mom fixed dinner and i had to fix myself a plate so it looked like i was normal and eating. though however i did eat it. it was sloppy joe mix with turkey meat, half a bun, and the herb fries i have a horrible habbit of asking for and devouring. i luckily was able to get in a shower and purged most of it i believe. binge purge binge purge right? stupid cycles. afterwards i got into playing this new psp game i got on sale. it keeps me busy and my mind off of eating. one thing it doesn't keep my mind off though is eric. i texted him at eleven am today and now, at one am still no reply. i won't be texting him tomorrow, there is no point. maybe i'm just being stupid. why would he want to talk to me? he probably already likes some outstandinly perfect beautiful girl. he'd never be interested in me. i'm pathetic. but still...i bought new curlers and non-nail biting stuff. just so i could help myself look beautiful. for him. to notice. for me. to stand out. to him. i hope he does. tomorrow is going to be pointless. my mom won't be home, my dad will probably get on my nerves with his so lovely fucking attitude. the best thing is is that i'll probably get out of eating a big meal. cause daddy doesn't care. he never does. why am i surprised? i'm not hurt. or maybe i am? i'm used to them getting fed up and giving up. i'm someone that is easy to give up on. so it's no astonishment. shouldn't i be gleeful though? he's given up, i can go on with my goal. yay? ugh. oh and i broke my rules. weighed in. 106. one pound OVER my goal. nice fucking job fatass.
Posted on 2008.11.21 at 21:32
november 21st
ugh. fattttt. i think i just ate a huge plate's worth of noodles. plus the noodles i had from dinner. and the spagetti sauce. and the jello cup. and the oatmeal bar thing. fuck. no doubt over 600 calories. DAMN. ugh. no weighing in till monday though. after i get home and just drink water all that day. i need to drink more of it so i can keep myself full on it. i'm working on it though. one in the morning, one at lunch. then if i stay after school [which i will on tues-thurs] i'll drink a bottle. i think i might go back to S.A.D.D. club at least. what else do i have to do? ugh. and kim...i'm staying away from her and the crappy fucking sport of tennis. mr. southwick can find better players.
today was the first truly good day i've had in a long while. though my parent's crankyness, my dad especially, was irritating it didn't ruin it. first hour was spent talking about our scheduling. if i take summer school i'll be done with my math credits [required] though i probably will take either topics/college algebra just to have it under my belt. getting out of highschool early won't be to hard i think. just that damn volunteer work. fuck. second hour was just bsing through packets like usual. i'm moving a lot slower it seems. oh well. i still ace the class so why give a damn who finishes first? me of course. one of those stupid competetive things. third hour was sports vocab. fifth was walking around with jenny. fifth was me getting slammed in the face with a damn dodgeball. i always get hit, so i know how to take it. sounds like a pretty lame day...if it wasn't for the fact that i saw eric three times today. i saw him once in the morning...where i was to nervous and afraid to even open my mouth to say hi. he was with his friends, inside their circle, but oh gosh i would've killed to have been able to have said hi. i couldn't even open my mouth. and then i saw him while he was on his way to third lunch. he didn't notice me in the morning or then, i was to far away, but i saw him none the less. he was on my mind from the moment i woke up to this very moment now. oh and the third time? oh god...
it was after school and i was DETERMINED to get his number. i was shaking--whether it was because i hadn't eaten all day or my nerves or both i don't know. i had a pen in my pocket and jenny was to my side. i practically bolted down the hall after the bell rang. if i didn't get his number now i'd have the worst weekend, i'd be angry at myself. i stood there waiting where he usually showed up for what seemed like ever, though it was probably only a few minutes. before i knew it he was walking off to the side, my heart leaped into my throat. i started walking over there, jenny shoved me, and i nearly tripped over myself to get to him. i called his name once to grab his attention, he didn't hear me. i was about to not call again, but his name choked itself from my throat, and then he turned around. i saw his soft blue eyes from beneath his hair, and he smiled. i swear my heartbeat skipped once or twice and i meekly went to his side. i don't recall most of the conversation, or i do, i just can't put it into font. all i can think of when i think of that moment is how hard the butterflies in me were flapping, how i felt like i couldn't even breathe, and how i wish i knew what he was thinking. i probably looked like a fool. he looked perfect. it was the best moment ever. before he was about to leave one way and me the other, i stumbled on my words remembering my purpose for his number, and extended the question probably with a horribly obvious shy tone. ughhh. but nevertheless he took my hand and my pen and wrote his number on the back. i had to move a tadbit closer to him so he could write it without it looking like chicken scratch. i remember his scent, it was comforting, and alluring. almost like a twinge of subtle spice. the next thing i remember is all those butterflies turning into giddy emotion and me skipping to my parent's car.
pathetic right? it's scary what he does to me. it's scary how i feel just when i think about him, how much i'd kill just to see him smile for a moment. how much i love it when he briefly hugs me and says hello. does he notice my change in person? can he see the rumble of nervousness inside me? do i blush? i wonder if he noticed my awkwardness today...do you think it's good or bad? oh i'm so so very nervous. that's always a bad thing. liking someone like this never turns out well...but i can't fight it. i can't wait to fall asleep and wake up so i can text him. that will be the highlight of my weekend. and seeing him at school will be the highlight of my week. i can live like this for now. i can enjoy this glee just like it is. the nerves...well, i can deal with them to. because...that smile, is worth it.
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