Posted on 2009.11.17 at 23:26
November 17th
i find it funny how when i have nothing i come back to this. this journal, this stupid online format of words and my ideals - as farfetched as they may come. when i have no one, or feel as if i have no honest support i come to this. how sad is it that ? but it's me...it's not sad at all, it's normal, i'm just the only thing that's sad. that's all i've been lately is sad. no doubt i'll have those great days inbetween, but in the long run i have nothing good to show for, to be proud of. when i feel as though i get close to having something it dies away, destoryed, and all at once i am left with remnants reminding me just how pathetic i truely am.
i don't know if it's pms or whatever, but my emotions have been off the wall. i feel like crying every feesable moment, most of the time doing so. i can't hold a decent phone conversation with my boyfriend to save my life. and also my good moods are so easily dashed. half of me believes it's pestilent hormones, while the other blames it on my dgaf attitude. i really can't not care, my problem is that i care too much. so when i get 50% back on my efforts that i only put half myself into it makes sense, but i get furious and heart broken. it doesn't balance out, i'm not balanced out. it has nothing to do with my school work anymore, but i'm at a loss of self. i don't know where i stand. it was like this last year around this time to, i'm so sick of it. will i have to go through this rollercoaster forever ? year after year ? if so i see no point in living, it's a hassle. i see no point in caring or emotions, in crying or smiling. all of it finds itself futile and a waste.
i'm fat. let's leave it at that. i can't restrict, or fast, or work out like i used to. i've lost all that i was. all i do now is attempt, fail, and force together an excuse to power me to try again. all i have on my side in my ability to vomit in the shower and know when to sneak in to do it when my mother is sleeping. how pathetic right ? again, i'm not surprised. i turn 16 in about two weeks. i should be excited. a part of me is. i actually be allowed to be with my boyfriend outside of school, i'll be able to get my license. maybe i'll even be given a bit more responsibility, though i doubt it. i've waited to turn 16 since i was younger - always wishing to grow old. i don't wish i could go back, but i do miss the innocence and purity that accompanied youth. but i know exactly what it'll be. another day, another waste. i won't be surprised if people forget, i doubt i'll care. i've given up. how typical of me. we're doing poetry in english, my teacher wants us to write a poem about a mask (not literally) - here's mine;knotted around my crown like waxen gold,
the weaves of blonde meld into scalp
fixating the mold of honeydew and blush to my visage.
i must say that i do wear such a complexity well,
distorting it into simplicity and composure.
and it is not my own - this mask of epochs and ages.
it belongs to a soul and a history well versed, well practiced
making it so easily believed
i shall accept such ignorance as my reward
for seasoned misconception
glance into the sockets with all the reason in the world
eyes of azure, of deception, will reply with the sweetest twinkle
to disprove any rumors that make argue
that this lovely mask is indeed a facade
to make you forget any flaws and lies,
to forget any pain and sorrow,
to forget any anger and rage,
to forget any faith and hope.
for what good would any mask be,
if it did not shield away such truths ?
and what good of an actor would i be,
if i indeed did not do justice to my role ?
then you may ask me of what shakespearen tragedy have i found for myself
to which i will reply that my narrator is of dark secret,
for all that i am that i know that of
that i do myself rehearsing
the proper daughter
the knowledgeable student
the achiever
the dreamer
the lover
the friend.
i am lone on the stage of life
me and my mask,
which everyone does well to applaude
to believe,
leaving me to continue -
never bare, always hidden.
behind that wondrous, beautiful mask.
Posted on 2009.09.13 at 18:37
September 13th
"i'm not there yet..."
my sister says i'm getting thinner. i don't, like always, see what she sees in the mirror. i see a shell of a girl who has lost her goals, who has given up on the perfection that she so secretly craves. one who has become so lost in life that she has forgotten what she used to live for, what she strived for, and what she was good at. she's slumped into a habit that gets her no where fast and offers no results. i see that outline of a face who knows she could be so much better, wants to, and fails. i see me.
life is flowing by at an usually fast rate. i don't know whether i should be grateful or depressed knowing my days are moving by faster than i can memorize them. my routine is so mundane. wake up, go to school, either succeed or fail at cheer, then come home to eat, throw it up miserably, nibble on sweets, then fall asleep. i haven't stepped on a scale in a periodic fashion in so long. i'm afraid of the results because i know that i haven't been maintaining the will power i used to have. i feel like a broken record, i've been saying this for months. but all i am anymore is bulimic. i purge as if it is nothing when really that's all it is. it doesn't help me lose, but it also keeps me from gaining immensely. i drink no soda at all, but instead drinks i know nothing of the calorie intake for. i see hipbones, but flab at the same time. i have to throw up any food or not eat before i go out or i'll pudge. and no one knows. no one ever will. my sister said one day not to long ago that "you could never tell a girl was bulimic". she said this straight to my face. irony is a cruel trickster.
school is...school. i see no joy nor sadness in it. sure there will be high moments of virtue. but they are momentary, momentary. and of course karma has to come and balance out all good fortune with the bad and i am left in shambles of my earnings. if anything it's a stressor. a stressor to do something here, something there. my procrastinic nature is a sin in these cases. i write now as it weighs on my shoulders - my folders mockingly propped behind me. they call me endlessly, assignments, projects, studying. i could say it bothers me, but only to a point. then in all other aspects it's just life and i accept it, for only the fact that i can do nothing to affect it. cheer is much the same. i do my job, my position, my role for i feel as if i'm at a monotone about it all. there is no transitioning point. when i'll find it i'm not sure yet, but hopefully soon. this constant complex i find myself foiled in is digusting. much like my eating habits. it's sad to see the two correlate.
at least my heart is better. in fact its...i don't know how to describe it. i'm falling hard and fast for marvin. yes marvin. he has come to compliment so many parts of me in ways that i couldn't and would not have expected. he arouses me both emotionally and physically. he makes me laugh and smile and he's utterly silly, but mature and refined at the same time. he's a rare breed and exotic and it's intoxicating. he makes my heart skip a beat whenever i get to see him. he made me have butterflies when we first began this trail we're walking on. and the best of it all is that it's on our terms. not the general public's. i'm his and he's mine. it's an understanding between us. everyone asks if we're dating, if we're boyfriend and girlfriend, but they don't understand that we're more than that...we're far from that. even our status' are distanced on the spectrum. he's a thespian leader, i'm a cheer captian. it's amazing how awkwardly unreal it all is. but i love it and i wouldn't want it any other way. i wouldn't want him anyother way.
i think i'm going to throw away my goal not to drink diet soda. i miss being safe with the idea that i'm really digesting 0zero calories in my beverages. sorry mom. but i don't give a damn. i made it to 104 drinking diet. i can do it again. but work calls. life calls. i'm needed. i need sleep. something. anything.
everyone has a secret
can they keep it ?
no.
Posted on 2009.08.16 at 23:07
August 16th
this mood i'm in hasn't happened for awhile. the one where the world just seems to be at a pause. all there is is that calm atmosphere and the air i breath, maybe with a few seconds inbetween for the actions of life to fade in. my phone recieiving a message, another lyric to stream from the music i'm listening to. but so far it doesn't feel like tomorrow should follow, that there are nineteen stiches in my leg, that i'm going to wake up and go through classes and faces and feelings. and those feelings ? i don't even know. it'll be high, it'll be low. it'll be stuck in limbo. it just all depends. i feel like i'm standing at a constant road, with no curves or splits or alien signs to point me forth. i guess i should be glad, last year my life was on a dirt path with so many crosswalks and deteors. i guess i just grew used to it. maybe i should be thaknful that i know what to expect now.
my first week of school was tiring. should i have expected any less ? my two honors classes are very different. one is a hardship and promises to stay that way, while the other just seems like a bore so far. my other two classes are...interesting. all my teachers seem to be human, you know, instead of just teachers. that's an aspect of high school that actually i enjoy. the people are the same, and if they aren't i can look at their faces and read what could and would come of them. the jocks, the wannabes, the sluts, the nerds, the people who don't say a word but hide everything inside. it makes you think, which one will open fire on the student body first ? haha, i'm just kidding.
and of course i'd do something stupid the first week of school. friday. my last time on campus for the week. and i fall out of a tree no bigger than 10 or so feet. and end up gashing open my leg and getting 19 stitches. how blonde could i be ? ugh.
everyone seems to have a puzzle piece to suit them. it's not like how it was last year where no one knew anyone, so they started to get to know everyone. now it's everyone knows someone, so they know enough to be something. it's foolish really. there are a few guys who have my name on their mind, but not one i find myself wanting. lately though, marvin has been on my mind. nothing serious, just curiousity i suppose. but i'll hold my tongue before anything else goes to far.
this entry was supposed to be a rather deep one, but i'm texting. foolish me.
Posted on 2009.08.07 at 23:57
August 7th
i feel like writing lately. i feel like lying lately. i feel like bawling and laying in my bed for hours on end. but no words come, no stories formate, and no tears slid down my cheeks. so i feel like i'm just lost again. school starts on monday and i'm dreading having to walk back into that school and look at everyone like they're a million miles away. everyone wants to be there for me and honestly i don't wnt to accept anyone that close to me. i try but it's momentary, or just for a certain situation and then there is nothing left. i have no rock, nothing to hold me down as i feel myself drift away when i really need to be down to earth. instead of dealing with it or trying to open up to someone all i do is just distract myself with everything in my life. heartache has no sense of importance to me anymore. i feel cold in so many ways than one. and i mean can you blame me ? even during the summer there have still been plenty of lies fed to me. i'm sick of it. but of course no one will stop lying and i will never stop believeing. i mean it might only be once or twice, but falling even for the smallest fantasy drives me insane. shouldn't i know better ? shouldn't i have played this game enough to know that what i wanted wasn't going to come true ? i just don't know what to tell myself anymore.
in the past few days i haven;t been purging as much. only dinner, and a slip up here and there, but not as much as i was at the beginning of the week. i'm starting to try and get into the habit of writing down my food. mind you i was a fat ass and instead of enjoying my rather nice streak for today i had a huge bowl of icecream. now i feel sluggish, gross, and sick.that's the result of food. plus i think the fruit punch i'm drinking. the only thing i'm looking forward to about school is starving. no food for about 7, actually more than that hours. then hopefully if i'm not exhausted i'll get to the gym ontop of practices. thank god. i want to be so thin. like flyer worthy. that'd be so nice.
otherwise i'm not looking forward to school. so much drama followed me last year that going to school just wasn't worth it. i don't want to see the faces of the liars and those that hurt me again. i don't. i mean i'm excited to be friends with the new freshmen, maybe there are some good pickings amoungst the bunch, but still otherwise i really don't care. my classes aren't exciting, they're stressful, and everything else is more weights on my shoulder. i'm a panic attack in the making. but oh well that doesn't matter. be the good daughter, the attentive cheer captian, everything inbetween. you can do it. no i can't. fuck.
i just want to crawl up and close my eyes. crawl up in a small ball and forget about the world and monday and every day after that. is that so bad ? i wish i knew.
Posted on 2009.08.04 at 22:15
August 4th
school starts on the 10th. i could lie and say i'm utterly excited, but that'd be total crap. honestly i'm enjoying my summer. i'm not ready to see the outcomes of everyone coming back together. mind you i miss all my friends terribly. i miss seeing them everyday. i miss having something to do everyday - though that factor was basically taken care of a lot. still, school is full of so much drama and garbage that i really don't need in my life right now. i'm not looking forward towards the onslaught of homework along with practice and yearbook. i'm definetely not looking towards the relationships that are going to try and be formed that i want no part of. that was the thing during the summer, i could talk to these guys and not have to worry about facing them because well, it was summer. and now that we're going to see one another basically everyday at school i'm rather irritated because it ruins everything. i don't want to see them. i go through my cell phonebook many times in a day and all i can think to myself is how none of them is worth speaking to because they're nothing special to me right now.
and the one person that is doesn't even want me. how pathetic. i saw a new picture of him and nicole on her profile just last night. it makes my heart break everytime i look at it. he seems completely happy, i hate it. he doesn't feel how i do, doesn't hurt like i do. he hasn't tried to speak to me even once since he dumped me, he probably had an amazing time in california without even a thought of me. and all i do is tell those that ask me how i miss him. i feel so stupid and idiotic. it's the worst waste of my time. but i don't know what else to do. right now i'm even listening to his song...and it hurts.
the only thing i'm glad about school starting is that i'll be able to stay away from food. whenever i'm stuck at home doing nothing i eat. and eating leads to purging. seeing as i can hardly keep anything in my stomach solid without wanting to purge it up. it's just so natural, and i hate the feeling of food in my stomach. i just can't stand it really. there's nothing wrong with me or with it, but i don't like it. and usually even if i eat a small something at first it'll lead to a binge. it's awful. i need to break the habit. once school starts i also plan to start restricting again so i can cut down on this purging. i think i purged maybe four or more times today ? it's really just turned into an awful habit. sigh.
that's about all i have to worry about for now. i wish i had someone close to me (besides janae) that i could confide this in. i wish i had someone there to love me that i could cry to about these problems. but no one is strong enough to handle both themselves and me. it seems though like everyone has a puzzle piece to fit with. i just am an outlier to them all. i have no puzzle piece. i don't even have a box to rest in. i wish i had someone who could make me smile and laugh, someone i could make my world, and in return i'd give them my heart to be their everything. i wish that strong connection could come back. but i can't find it. and so far if it doesn't find me i doubt i'm going to have it for a long time. i ususally have a bad action of looking for love, which is foolish and a waste. i really just wish it would find me. that's what happened with johnn, and with brandon. the best things i've had and they found me, and then i've wanted it. janae explained it in a way like that anyways. and that's really what it is. i just hate waiting.
i guess patience is a virtue though.
Posted on 2009.07.21 at 00:24
July 21st
i've hit a limbo in my downfall. i don't know where i'm at anymore or where i'm going. i have a perspective, but i'm far from determined. i've fallen into a rut of constant failure and all i want is my will power back. all i want is the strong girl i was back in the winter. back when being thrown in the hospital and the fights meant that i had been accomplishing something. now i'm not anyone's worry. i miss being something to care about. i miss being unhealthy. i hate being the obese slob that i am. i hate the purging i have to do to make up my constant slip ups. it's to easy. i miss restriction. i miss just skipping over food and meals like it was a simple task. i have nothing anymore, all i need is thin. all i want is thin.
my heart is broken, shattered, and instead of mending it back together like i'm so common to do, i've thrown it all away for a later time. a much later time. i thought i had found what i had been looking for, and i was sure i did. it just didn't want me back. i wasn't good enough for it. after all the games, after all the rises and falls with others, i thought i had found the solid rock i was waiting for. but obviously it wasn't enough in return and he was unaffected. i'm broken and he released me without a second glance. i miss him more than words can explain. i don't know why. maybe it's because i didn't want to let him go, but there he went. there are many moments that pass me in which i question if he even misses me. i doubt it. i doubt that my person even lingers in the background of his mind.
i told him i'd prove him wrong. i want him to look back at his choice and tell him, tell me, it was all a mistake. that what he had fallen upon was a mishap. i'm not the dynamic he purposed. all he saw was a shell to my dominion. i want the guy who was always right in my eyes to be wrong. i want to finally prove him wrong. i want him to regret what he did. no matter the turn out, whether i end up back with him or far from that conclusion, that's all i want. is for him to regret.
i've been so far from myself. i guess that's for the better. i don't want to be near myself at all. i hated myself. i still do. i hate my loud obnoxious tendencies. but this misery i've been dwelling in is intoxicating. it eats at me whenever it can find a fault of mine to feed off of. i don't recall a moment lately where my happiness has exceeded a day. i'm creating awful habits. i'm falling into the grim and dirt of horrid cookie cut shapes to fit into. i'm playing games that i used to think were only for the foolish. i'm forming into what i despised. i'm getting farther from what sickened me.
even though i've hidden my heart and my soul away from everyone, why am i still searching for comfort ? i'm hoping to find that rare light in someone...anyone. why am i searching for love when it was only my hope it finds me ? it found me once. it found me twice. why must i go searching again ? it's old pathetic habit. i hate it as much as the heavy flesh that lines these bones. i just don't know anymore. but i'm very serious when i say that i want to wait. i want to be so clouded by school, cheer, and everything else vitally important. i want to forget everyone. i want to forget everything. relationships are pointless in the world right now. they're a distraction, a hassle. nothing deep needs to be formatted now. mind you i have an addiction to the attention from others, i need to ween myself off the adoration. the steps i need to take are far from being taken.
i'm ashamed in myself.
Posted on 2009.06.10 at 17:19
June 10th
i hate when i get like this. contemplative and nostalgic. it's been a year...well, basically a year, since me and johnn broke up. maybe it wouldn't hurt as much to think about if he wasn't dating (and utterly crazy over) the one girl i'm so jealous over. she's perfectly thin, beautiful, popular. i'd kill to be her. and he's on cloud nine with her. he called her his "dream girl" - i used to be called that. and now ? she looks like me. dirty blonde hair, braces, blue eyes, white. i hate it. i feel like i've lost myself to her. i'm the ugly digusting beast of a shadow to her. a huge fat slob behind the possible prom queen. i should be shot, she should replace me. it'd work right ? and i mean, i don't want him back, but i miss him. as a person i guess. and i miss what we used to have. through the fighting and the issues, there were good moments. loving moments. i miss it sometimes, because it was the realest most powerful thing i've ever felt.
and i should feel awful now. because i say that and feel all this while dating the best guy i have in the longest time. brandon. i know, surprising after the way i treated him. but he's so good, he forgave me. it's like it never happened with the way he cares for me, but at the same time it is - if only for reference. he told me he would never feel this way for me again, but here he is and it seems stronger now than then. and he wants me for me, because good lord knows i look horrible after becoming the fat slob that i am. and also the fact i'm "whore" (so says the world) and i treated him like crap as stated above. plus he wants something real, with me and only me. and he wants to last with me. he honestly means so much to me, i'd be heartbroken to loose him.
one thing that scares me though is that he told me the other night about some of his other "bad" girlfriends. one of them was like me. she starved herself, lied to him about it, but he found out. what would he do if he knew what i did ? restrictions, binges, purges, failures. i could only imagine the digust, and the hate after he found out that i lied just like her. i'd be gone in a moment.
and if you're wondering about jeff ? oh good lord. he's such a little bastard. the night of the before the trip, his sister had gone to bed, and i was helping him pack. we actually ended up sitting down and having a long conversation just us two. and then what happens ? we end up messing around...and he kisses me. and then it happened again, and we end up making out. everything seemed fine - which was stupid and i should've knew better. the next day while driving to cali i txt him about it and he comes up with the excuse "he doesn't want a gf right now and some other stupid blahblahblah" so i was pretty much in the thought of "whatever fuck you". and that was that. he's going to dig himself a whole with someone else if he keeps playing games like this with people. and you know what he'll get his fill of karma. and oh yeah...his sister, MY bestfriend/sister, doesn't know (she's not really my sister, just call her that).
brandon knows about him to, didn't stop him from kissing me when i got back from cali, or asking me out that same night. wow, he really is an amazing guy. watch me fuck this one up to. just like johnn, just like so many other guys. i'm a mistake from hell waiting to burst. i'm just going to try my best.
now on the subject of my weight, it's up and down. i can't get past 115 though. i really can't and i hate it. this was where i was stuck before :/ ugh. i bought a scale and brought it with me to kentucky (yep in the bluegrass state). first day here and i've only eaten one meal. and purged some of it when everyone was in separate places. i was afraid of getting caught though so i didn't finish. i still feel it in my stomach. i've also cut soda out - or that's my goal. i've heard it creates a pudge, which i have so bluntly. so i'm hoping that getting rid of it in general and then working on my abs a bit means it'll go away. god willing i'm hoping just to get back to where i want to be. here are my goals.
gw1: 110
gw2: 106
gw3: 104
gw4: 100
and after i get to that i'll work from there. but right now that's all the goals i need. hopefully all the running in cheer will be good enough cardio to help me loose. ughhhhh. i'm so fat right now it's digusting. i just looked at pictures of me from when i was 106. i looked so good, i miss it ! i want to be thin again, and close to thinner than i am now ! I HATE IT. i'm not happy i'm ugly. and it doesn't help that my BOYFRIEND is skinnier than i am. if i wanted to put on his jeans i'd break the buttons, they'd stop at my elephant thighs. fuck.
i want to go vomit the fat off.
to bad that's not how it works.
Posted on 2009.05.10 at 15:45
May 10th
it's been so long. or so it feels. april third was my last entry, but still seems like epochs that have ebbed into the sea. if anything there's been so much that's happened, but then at the same time nothing. let me give you the rundown -
-i've made the cheer squad at my high school ; junior varsity though.
-i've made it on yearbook as copy editor
-i'm probably making it into the AVID program with my sister
-i'm lost and confused over jeff
that's right, jeff. again. he's SINGLE. dumped by his slut of a former girlfriend. he's not over her, trying to fill the void with other tramps. i'm afraid he'll try to play me, but i want him so much. i want to be his. god damnit. last weigh in = 114
two weeks before summer. cardio like crazy. no more muscle building. no more gaining.
Posted on 2009.04.03 at 21:57
april 3rd
i love how life just likes to rub your failures in your face. how the bruises from your falls aren't enough, you need the smell of the foulness stinging your nostrils as well. i just can't take that anymore. i can't take IT anymore. i can't take revolving around a repeated cycle of mistakes. i can't keep trying to pull back and forget, but then being reminded of everything that was almost gone. it's not fair, i hate it and it's not fair.
i was fine, somewhat, until zack ended up calling me tonight. my mom was getting donughts. i was in the car. i picked up. he was on the other end. he ended up inviting me to come watch a movie with him, dominic, and dom's little brother. i shoved the fact that i was busy and he hung up. end of story. it took me a minute to realize it was all a set up. it would make sense. dom coupled of with lisha, zack with codi, and i would've been stuck with dom's brother. which is stupid because i'm with cody anyways. i wanted to vomit. i still want to vomit. just now for more reasons then that sickening recollection of him. as soon as i hung up the phone i deleted his number from my call history. a part of me feels like i should've kept it, at least to say never to call me again, or to tell him next time he tries to set me up be a bit more coy about it. maybe it was better in the end that i did delete it, just one step back the mountain trail of forgetfulness.
and then after that it was like a train of fury. one burst after the other, a twisted domino effect. i'm also on the flow, so god knows the littlest things set me off. but god there is one thing that has just been catching my nerves lately. it seems like every which way i look on myspace girls from my school will have this under their about me;
"texting, friends, CHEER"
WHEN IN GODS NAME DID EVERYONE AND THEIR MOM GRAB POM POMS ?!
really !? girls like this include kyra and tori. kyra i'm not sure if she's ever cheered, but god knows tori hasn't. no flexibility, no stunting, no tumbling. she's a toothpick screeching out a chant. i know i sound like an awful bitch, but i honestly don't care. she's one of those few i can't stand. she treats her boyfriend like shit, she's annoying, and she seems to me like her nose is so far up in the air jesus could play golf atop it. this isn't jealousy, but girls who put CHEER in their general should be CHEERLEADERS. like, oh lord, LOREN. she WAS a cheerleader, she CHEERS. tori just screams at lunch, &&i've never seen kyra do shit like that since i've known her and i haven't heard a thing about her doing it before either. my competetive nature is driving out a furious beast. i hope that the clinic is packed tomorrow so all those girls who think they know everything get shown up in two seconds flat. i know i don't, but i'm also not oblivious. i mean i've been GOING to the clinics, the gym classes. I've been working my ASS off and i swear to god come tryouts next week i'm going to show it. i'm not going to get beat out by girls who haven't done shit in their lives when i've been coming home late nearly every night for weeks. there's also another girl trying for cheer i can't stand. celina felix. the most concieted fake bitch i've come to meet. she recieved her reccomendation letter from coach anderson like i did. UGH. SHE CAN'T EVEN DO SPLITS. she's just as bad as TORI. at least tori seems like i could tolerate her. I would never tolerate celina. ever.
i just want to punch a hole in the wall. in their faces. and i know this is horrible. but i want to release stress...by cutting.
Posted on 2009.03.30 at 23:17
march 30th
my journal, my sweet sweet journal. online or in the palm of my hands you're all i have anymore. i have those who i can speak to, but nothing quite as secretive &secure as you. it's been ages so it feels. god knows so much has happened since the last entry. in fact..i don't even know. where should i start ?
eric confessed that he liked me, since january which was when i started dating cody. i found it ironic. but it was a pointless fluke. he told me he would never date me because of his brother &i knew just as much.
adrian told me that he didn't have feelings for me like i did for him. another fluke -but there's more coming.
jaren. oh god. i don't even know. before cody we flirted up a storm. all during mine &cody's relationship we sort of did, but lord knows cody was jealous right off the bat because of him. then finally when cody &i ended i started to lean closer to jaren. but i wanted a break, time to collect myself. he agreed but then in the end it didn't work. he said he didn't like me enough to date. which basically means i wasn't as great as he thought i was. three heartbreaks...so far.
so finally after trying to have a relationship, when i specifically told myself to stay away from them, i say to hell with it all. no commitment. none i want none. so i take the mature path. no more highschool circle yes no for love. i decided to go with no strings attached. playthings, my friends with benefits. i came to find two guys. cameron, a sophomore varsity wrestler who was next door to me from science, &zack, a kicked out kellis student who is now in college at GCC. seemed simple right ? well before i knew it i was already rushing with zack, he knew how to do me right. straight into lust. &with lust comes consequences. he came with attachments. codi. lisha's fucking stupid sister. i didn't understand it. i wasn't jealous of them, i was jealous of her. she irritated me to no end. i quickly cut the tether that even treaded around zack's ankle.
well cameron &i seemed to be going well to, until i found out that he was friends with benefits with another girl &was flirting with this one whore of a girl that i know. the friends with benefits didn't bug me, but he was telling this whore the same things he told to me. i didn't feel special, i second guessed everything he had ever told me. any trust i was builiding was desacrated &i knew it wouldn't work. thankfully someone else came along; cody. i'm not sure exactly what peaked my actions to question him, but i asked him if he ever thought about us. he told me yes, he wanted another chance, &he was extremely sorry. it also stems out to him telling me how much he needed me, how important i was to him, &how after we split i woke up him to really how "necessary" i was. i feel like i can trust him, everytime i would look at him i missed him, &i couldn't deny i still liked him when i watched him with his friends. basically to say we're back together. but i'm not certain of anything.
tj. god. i love him to death. not in love with him though. i've always felt he's liked me, but he's never seemed like my type. but i trust him unconditionally, i know he would never hurt me. he's the most golden hearted boy i've ever met &he's truly amazing. i went &saw him in his play. after that night i knew how i felt, how i liked him. he was powerful &it opened my eyes to see just how fantastic he was. this show was exactly one day before cody asked me back out though. it was that night after i saw his show &&him, that he told me how he felt. &i couldn't lie to him, i confessed i believed i felt the same, but i was in such a blunder i was out of reach of my mind. he understood, he was happy just knowing how i felt, &he hopes that after cody &i end (because in his words we won't last forever) that maybe him &i could have a chance. it's very possible.
but aside from guys (because that is all my life ever is, guys drama good lord) i'm so just in a commotion. cheer tryouts are next week. i have nothing, no tumbling in the world. i'm screwed i have no faith in any of myself. i have a teranova test this week i know nothing about. school is ending &i'm worried about my two core classes. i'm worried about sophomore year class wise as well. my period is right around the corner &i'm stressed &irritated. dance is no longer my forte, i need to work on my solo which i just BARELY started on. i need to find a job, but its basically impossible. i have my permit test in a couple months. fuck.
&&my weight. omg. i'm a huge fucking cow. ew ew ew. i've been eating trash, god awful trash. my weight was 118 the other day. i'm so tired of my failure. i feel like my whole life has just done a 360. i'm right back where i started, if not worse. no i think i am WORSE. in everything, not just my body. i'm trying to get myself back into restriction, it's a bumpy road because i've been at janae's a lot, &i eat like shit when i'm there. i hate it. i hate myself &my body. maybe if i was thinner &prettier life wouldn't be so hard. i'd be more confident ¬ so dependent on a boy. i don't even know. i'm so just ashamed that i've gotten this fat. i used to be 104 lbs once. it was beautiful &i want it back. i will get it back. i just don't know how. because of weight training i feel like i've gained muscle weight, but i don't want to have it. i don't want to be fat. i want to be thin. pretty thin. i'll never loose my curves unfortunately, but i can still be stickly. i saw this girl at the bowling alley the other day. she was literally bones with a skin overcoat. i looked at her thinking, oh my gosh she looks sick...but lord knows i would die to be able to look like her. i bet she doesn't have a complicated life, i bet she's pretty in anything, i bet she can do anything &is filled to the rim with smarts.
&&did i mention ? i want to cut.
Posted on 2009.02.19 at 22:32
february 19th
cody&i broke up. sunday night. through txt. i didn't want to, but i had been basically avoiding him the whole weekend, then he finally came out like "do you even want to be with me"...you can pretty much get it from there. funny thing is it doesn't even feel like we dated. maybe just flirted, kissed a couple times, but not a relationship. it's the best. as horrible as that sounds. but it's easier this way. people have been coming up to me, literally, and asking me who broke up with who because i guess he's saying that he did. i'm not sure if it's true. people love to lie, especially guys. so whatever. i don't really care.
now it was my goal to stay away from guys, or at least not get into a relationship because it's almost summer, &&i want to focus on cheer &&dance. well that went STRAIGHT to hell. first i started talking to adrian again. idk why but i've always had a small thing with him. but i don't think he likes me. that's not the bad part though. so i still like eric. a lot. worst part is he's single now. he broke up with his girlfriend on vday. WHAT THE HELL. then we were talking &i told him how i thought he gave me the wrong number so he gave it me again. it was right this time ! i was so happy when he gave it to me. i felt like i skipped cloud nine &went straight to cloud three hundred and seven. i texted him of course, and we talked for mm two hours ? i like him so so so much. fuck fuck fuck fuck. but like i don't know if he could ever like me...but of course i was looking at the little details. he wanted to know more about me because he was asking questions &things like that. when we talk we play around a bit, &we both smile. ughhh his smile. is beautiful. shit he's just so good looking. i'm so fucked.
weight wise i don't even want to go there. i'm eating less and less i think, but i can't tell. i need to stop eating before bed :| it's ruining everything. i'm so fat. fuck. cheer is around the corner &i'm gonna look like a hot air balloon. i got so mad last night at the gym because i wasn't getting my stuff down good enough. i hate being a perfectionist for reasons like that. my mom was telling me how i couldn't expect to get them right away. i know i shouldn't, but i do. i should be able to. if i was thinner i would be able to. nope though, i'm a fatass.
a pathetic fatass who has a huge crush on her ex's brother. go life.
Posted on 2009.02.15 at 01:14
february 14th
happy valentines day ? i suppose. mine wasn't so awful. i spent it mostly with my mom. we went to see my all time favorite classic piece, romeo&juliet, the ballet. it was beautiful i adored it. mind you she had never read the play so she was confused, but we enjoyed it none the less. my pinky toes hurt like awful because of my stupid heels. once again my attempt at something was horrid. what's the surprise ? my mom bought me this love predictor thing. it's a heart spinner with yes&no printed across the edges. you spin it &see if it's love. i know it's rather juvenile, but what else do i have ? love seems nonexistant. or at least undiscoverable. i haven't given up, i just don't know what to do.
i'm breaking up with cody on tuesday. the details about him that i've been ignoring have come back to bite me in the ass &they irritate me to no end. he's such a jerk to everyone, he's a horrible kisser, &his anger is ridiculous. he's immature, he's not book smart, &he's to young minded. i need something more than what he could offer. i need someone better. as horrible as that sounds, it's true. janae told me i was to good for him. it's not that i'm to good for him, it's just i'm more than he can compare to. he's not a bad guy, he's just not enough for me. i wish there was more to it, but there isn't. so another stupid attempt that didn't last past a month. after i dump him i'm not getting involved again. i know i've said it before, but there's no point in getting into something new. summer is soon, &if i did get with someone else i wouldn't be able to see them over summer. so i'm just taking a break. i have other stuff to worry about.
i think i'm going to get invovled in cheer. i want to, but only varsity. jv sucks, horridly. they're awful. lehman is the coach for varsity, i want to work with her. she's wonderful really. she pushes me, i love her as a teacher. i'm already working on my back hand springs, my front hand springs, &i just need to get my splits down then i think i can do it. i'm already naturally loud, &a trained monkey could call out cheers while smiling. plus i'm on her good side, that always helps. i'm hoping randy can help me get to where i want to be when i need to be there. tryouts are dead soon. i'm also hoping my parents will let me do it if i get it. it costs an arm&leg to be able to do it, but damn i want to so bad. i adore varsity cheer. they're so good. &i already know even though i'm a fatass, i could still be on there. it doesn't matter about weight...yet.
116. what the hell happened to me ?! i'm so ashamed. i looked through my pictures of me at 106. i was beautiful. or nearly beautiful. my ribs could be seen so well. i miss it. oh damn do i miss it. i can still fit into a size one, but it's somewhat tight. i hate it i hate it. i want to be 106 again. even 108 would be ok. i've been restricting to 400, but of course towards the end it's a little rocky. damnit. i'll get it though. i've been getting my ass up and to the gym. but i'm not on the same workout i was like before. i should be. usually i do cardio, stretching, then i use the wood floor room to practice dance. i should include abs and maybe legs into that as well ? i'll ponder on it.
mm and dance. i've reformatted my solo. along with acrobatics from randy i think it'll be a hit. or at least good enough for the show. i'm hoping. performance dance tryouts are a week or two after cheer. i'm not sure what i'm going to do. i don't feel to confident for it. i doubt i'll make it. i want to so bad though. or at least advance, but i'm doubting myself even there to. it's pathetic. i mean i don't feel super confident for cheer, but the only time i feel like i can't do it is when i'm near emily poes. god she's perfect. beautiful smile, comfortable being herself, great dancer, varsity cheerleader, hottest girl from her school (so says my own "boyfriend" &his friends). damnit she was the homecoming queen for fucking christ sake. she has a natural tan, beautiful long hair, perfect body. i'd kill to be her. i'd kill just to LOOK like her. how can i not be intimidated by that ? &she's in my dance class. so i get to feel even shitter than i already do everytime. dominic is the only one who knows how jealous i am of her. but whatever.
so besides dropping more weight, which is something i really need to do, i think i have my new hair style for next school year picked out. it's kind of similiar to what i have now, just with some brown mixed in. i want my hair longer, so just trimming up the ends of the layers is all for the cut, i'm kinda done with side bang though. it's juvenile. i'm going to do like amanda bynes does. her hair is beautiful. shit she's just beautiful &&talented. she's really thin to. ugh.
i just don't know what to do anymore. but then i do. i'm sort of at an unenthusatic neutral in my life. is that a good or bad thing ? well, i'm not sure.
Posted on 2009.02.04 at 23:28
february 4th
the funniest thing about this entry ? i'm typing it in the kitchen. i brought it in here to look up something for mom, but now i'm writing an entry. it seems so long. my mom just questioned what i was doing, she'll never know. i'm good at lying. so my life has been a rollercoaster. &it never stops. it's constant, i despise it. it all started once i went back to school. the guy i talked about liking ? nothing happened. he was a dick. but all guys are. literally. i swear rumours about me being a whore spread around so fast. i've taken to wearing a purity ring, but not just for appearances. for real. people are two faced, fake, &i hardly trust anyone as it is. until i have a vow&a ring on my finger saying you want me forever, through anything, then i think you're worth giving myself to. i think i've found god to. maybe because he's the only man (so the scripture says) that hasn't fucked me over. he seems to prove he exists, i just never noticed. i recently bought a bible, to read. i read the start of genesis, but i need to get into the swing of reading it.
so i ended up with the classes i wanted. weight training&dance. i adore dance. it's powerful, free, like myself. i already plan on audtioning for a solo. i ended up with the bitch teacher, but she adores me. i ended up with the girl i despise in my show group though. gerbil face. i want to push her off the stage. and crap peyton to. she won the solo to grease. mind you that is MY show, MY music, &the guy she's performing it with is utterly amazing. fuck her. she's going to die. i ended up making it as a principal dancer. i suppose that's good right ? i'm hoping it will help my chances when i try out for advance dance, maybe even the performance dance team ? i'd love to make it, but if i make advanced, that would be great to.
so next week i will have been dating this guy cody for a month now. i don't even remember how we got together, but we did. we've already said i love you. but i don't think it's love, it's just a habit to say. we already fight like cats&dogs. he makes me so angry it's crazy. but then he's so sweet as well. but he lectures me on my weight. that's going to be a problem. BIG TIME.
but is it bad...that i still like other people ? one of these people being one of his close friends eric ? i know i said i was over him, but i see him all the time now. and i've realized...i'm not. mind you he has a girlfriend&i would never act on it, but i feel horrible that i know i do. ¬ only him, but junior as well ! janae told me that his girlfriend cheated on him. damn, he should've cheated on her...with me. but just like i predicted she turned out to be the one girl that's gonna be with him for a long time&him&i would never have anything together. ta-da. he knows she cheated on him, but he's still with her. the worst part is she cheated on him with janae's ex's BROTHER. which junior knows without a doubt. i couldn't believe it. she doesn't deserve him, but then again, neither do i. i'm not sure if i still have feelings for him, but whenever we're together i just find myself choking down a single flame that was never put out between us. i'm stupid.
weight wise i...don't even want to talk about it.
i'm a faliure, huzzah.
Posted on 2009.01.04 at 22:09
january 4th
today was the last day for weakness. the last moment, the last moment. for anything horrible. for breaking. i just ate before bed. i just ate a BROWNIE before bed. how sick. ew. what has happened to me? it's been normal. i've been normal. i don't know why. yesterday i purged. but still i feel normal, fat, and ugly. ugh. tomorrow i'm going for 400 calories. tomorrow is the day i'm getting back to the gym or at working out at home. i get my classes tomorrow, hopefully weight training and dance. calorie burning classes. i will be thin. i will be perfect. happy, perfect, happy.
so i gave up on j. when i went to janae's house last we did nothing. no flirting, not even talking. it hurt. it hurt even more to know he was spending his new years with his girlfriend. i mean, that's what he's supposed to do. but it still hurt. and the night between me and janae was spent playing monoply listening to break up songs. how wonderful. it seemd like a perfect fit. but it's alright i guess. it wouldn't have worked anyways. i've moved on. i think i'm more sad that i've lost one more person who wanted me. i have an obsession with wanting people to want me. it's like i need it. i have to always have two or three people think i'm great, i'm beautiful, and or that they just want to be with me. it's a well fed obsession, but it's hard for me to get over when i loose someone, especially to someone else. it's a sick obsession, i hate it, but it keeps me alive.
there is this new guy on my mind now. i added him on myspace only a couple nights ago. edward michael macguire. or just michael, michael varsity as he is in my phone. after talking with janae and thinking about it i realized i wanted a country boy. once i added him he asked for my number. we've been texting. he's a country boy...from kentucky, where all my family is at. coincidence? i thought so. he's tall, older, has a truck, a rider. the image of a guy i've been interested in. plus the country boy i wanted to. it's to perfect. i like the idea of perfect. tonight we were texting. i told him i was going to take a shower, he wanted to come. i felt for a moment like i had him wrapped around my finger. i love that feeling. i've already thought about us dating, kissing. you know girls do that, think about things like that before they even KNOW the guy that much. at least as long as they have a physical attraction. i'm bad at it. i couldn't sleep because of it. but whatever. i told him i think he seems like a nice guy and he's good looking. i asked him if he liked any girls at the school, he replied kinda, i asked who, and he wouldn't tell who. i'm hoping it's me. could it be? maybe...ugh. i'm stupid.
tomorrow i go back to school. i'm on the fence about it. i'm going to go back and try to stick to my new persona. the stronger sexier version of me. hopefully it works. i don't know how long it'll last. i change often, so i'm not sure. but it's a persona i've tried to grasp, just never fully have. i'm not good at faking confidence and self esteem. especially when mine is lower then six feet under. eh. we'll see how it works. at least i can not eat there. it's easy to not eat at school where i'm in class and away from food. at home the kitchen is down the hall, you do the math.
tomorrow. blech. i just got a text from dominic saying good night babe. i wish it was michael calling me babe. damn.
Posted on 2008.12.24 at 00:36
december 23rd
so i think i love him. jj. damn it. i've fallen for him. i hardly know him. or at least i know him i just don't know him in detail. so how can i love him? it makes no sense. it makes all the sense. i love a boy i can't have and never will have anything with. maybe it's better like this. to live out my days just wanting him until finally i get over him. maybe i'm just being stupid right now and acting like i love him. maybe i just have a longer lasting crush. but my crush wouldn't have lasted this long. i think i'm just crazy. yes. crazy crazy crazy. that's all i am is crazy. but damn, i want him. physically, mentally, emotionally. i want to be his and give myself to him. damn it. damn him. just. DAMN.
i broke up with derek. i couldn't get over the fact that i love j and then date him. might as well do it now instead of later. he took it pretty well. but then again i also just told him that i wasn't ready for a relationship. not that hey, i think i love another guy who has a girlfriend. geez. he would've flipped at that. and that is the last thing i need is another guy hating me. or what would've happened is if he would've done that is that dominic would have been told and then he'd kick his ass and yeah...to much drama there. fuck. so christmas only came early this year and brought me a phone. oh well, at least it's a nice phone right? haha. ha. shit.
also i had an ok day with restricting. it was a little weak, but it was the best i've had in awhile. the first thing i did this morning though was binge-purge. but i held my chin up and didn't count it. i stayed strong. that's what i need to do. i need to stay strong. i need to fake my strength and confidence until maybe i can finally get some. i wonder if i can look up how to fake confidence. it'd be nice. i'm already good at being social. now just gotta nail confidence. and beauty.
speaking of i hope j thinks i look good after i get my hair cut. probably not. maybe. damnit. i'm going to wear my eyeliner like it is with my new haircut. then my playboy bunny necklace which i'm getting for christmas. which i know i got. i snuck a look at my presents. i'm that skilled. haha. to bad that along with those nice gifts is the food. two days of stuffing face. FUCK. i can get out of it for a day with purging. the next day though? shit idk. i can't think of shit. maybe i'll be able to. maybe not. probably not. shit shit shit. maybe if i don't eat the whole day and then just eat a tiny bit it won't hurt? i don't know. i'm thinking all i'm going to be able to do until after the firt of the year is maintain, and then start loosing. ugh. not setting specific dates to reach my goals this time. it didn't help for shit. i'm supposed to be 90 lbs in two days. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.
way to fail natalie, way to fucking fail.
Posted on 2008.12.21 at 00:33
december 20th
how is it that once i have everything i want, i'm still miserable? maybe it's because i don't really have everything exactly i want. but i can't always have exactly what i want. why? but then again why is it such a big deal that i don't? i'm selfish. a selfish spoiled bitch. damn it. i finally have a great phone and a boyfriend who adores me. so why do i still want to cry myself to sleep? because my boyfriend isn't him. it isn't j. it's derek. and derek is a sweet, cute guy--but he's not him. i'm going to hell. i shouldn't date him. maybe i should break up with him. but what would be my excuse? oh yeah, "i can't date you because i have an insane crush on janae's younger brother j, but no we can't date because he has a fucking girlfriend." and shit. he probably thinks i'm pathetic, j. he must think i'm so funny to have around. a real boost to his ego i bet. i hate him. no i don't. what is it about him that is driving me wild? i don't get it. i really really don't. i hate it with a passion. i hate it so much i ate a whole fucking box of raisinets and gummi-life savers.
oh wait i did that because i'm a huge fat ass. yesterday i managed to go the whole day without eating. today wasn't as lucky. i ate sun flower seeds, pisatchios, and skittles at janaes. i managed to not eat at the christmas party for her dad's work. but what a small achievement that was. with my own family i ate french fries with my mom, one box of raisinets with her, then panda express for dinner. i purged as much as i could in the shower. not much obviously, but i'm praying. but then of course once i stop texting j i just go crazy and eat a whole fucking box of raisinets and the rest of the damn gummy life savers. fuck me. fuck my life. i hate myself. i hate me i hate me i hate me. i'm so damn pathetic. without a joke.
christmas is coming soon. i told santa, yeah right, that all i wanted was either a new phone or a nice boy. i got both. but i should've put on the list underneath the nice boy "jeff junior". because he was really who i wanted. but no luck there. ugh. i'm going to hell. i spent the whole day flirting with him. i'm such a whore. a slutty pathetic whore. i even ended up sitting in his lap. like straddling. i wanted to kiss him so bad. i even told him that once we started texting. it's ridiculous the way he makes me feel. the way i can just act like such a school girl around her crush within moments of him being around me. i thought i was ok the night before when i just saw him for the couple hours after coming home from the movies with derek. i had no intentions of flirting with him at all. but then it just happened the next day. and oh. of course his girlfriend is sick and he wanted to go walk allll the way over to her house to visit her. instead he couldn't go and we ended up flirting. i hope she has cancer. no, damnit no i don't. what i really hope for is that in her bought of utter sickness she breaks up with him. damn, then what about me with derek? crap.
fuck my life. fuck my fat, pathetic, life.
Posted on 2008.12.16 at 22:48
december 16th
i just want to die. crawl up and die. pop a couple pain pills or sleeping pills and never wake up. i'll be dressed in a vain white gown and laid in a tomb like juliet. only i shall have no romeo. no fair youthful beauty. just ugly fat lonliness. i can't even go a day without binging and or purging. not even a day. and i was doing so well. now here i am. typing. tearing up. ashamed of myself. my mom just had to leave. i wanted her to leave. so i could eat. what a fatass i am. and i don't even know how many calories i ate. over 100 that's for sure. i pick the things i eat apart. i never eat the whole of whatever i'm eating. i pick at it. like a crow. to bad i'm to fat to even be able to fly like one.
i wanted to go to the gym today. of course that didn't work out. never does. tomorrow. probably not. i hope. i'm going to westgate with derek, alex, dominic, and kayla. dominic wanted to date me and thinks i'm the greatest fucking thing--but we settled on being friends so now he's gonna try and get kayla. derek and alex used to date, and now that me and dominic are just going to be friends him and i have talked about getting together. thing is is that alex still likes him a lot--he's one of the only guys that made her happy. i don't want to have more drama. i don't want her to hate me. and also...i realized something.
i still like jeff.
mother fucker! i hate him! i don't know why, but i do. i hate it i hate it. i hate him. all yesterday we were flirting. then we started texting. basically i said i wanted to make his day better&what would he like me to do to make it better, he said what he wanted we couldn't do--meaning something that would be cheating with his gf. i told him i thought he didn't like me like that anymore cause he stopped texting me. he said and I FUCKING QUOTE "i chilled out because i flirt with you more then my girlfriend when we text". WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY DO YOU DATE HER?! can't you see me over here?! i like you like crazy! i want to be yours more then anything! but you don't see me. i'm just a toy to play with. i feel so...used.
and now i'm angry. a revelation. i wonder what she has that i don't. i bet she's thinner then i am. i bet she's prettier then i am. i bet she's smarter then i am. i bet she's everything i'm not. i wish i was more like her. i wish i was her. then again, do i? cause obviously he has no problem flirting with me and liking me more then her. i hate my life. i hate myself. and yet through all this i'll more then likely end up dating derek after winter break. i can see myself with him. but i'm not all giddy about it. i hardly know him though. maybe once i do i'll be giddy. maybe not. because i know if i wanted him he'd be mine. i can't have jeff. that's why i want him so bad. always wanting what i can never have. just like being thin. i can never have it. but i want it. like crazy. i'd die for it. i'd kill for it. why do i have to be so pathetic?
i want to bawl. the tears are coming slowly, stopping, starting again. i want to kiss derek tomorrow. i want to be in jeff's arms and have him want me and have me. why is love so complicated? why do i deserve this? what have i done wrong? i want to be more like her. and she is not me. she is the better me. she is the me i wish i was. 90 lbs or less. on all the great sports teams. club leaders. perfect girlfriend with the perfect boyfriend. smart. skilled. not. me.
kill me. put me down. i don't want to wake up. i don't want to live. if i die no more calories. no more boys. no more friends. no more lies. no more doubt. no more insecurity. no more nothing. i should be more like her.
Posted on 2008.12.14 at 22:27
december 14th
i don't know who said spring was the season where love is in the air, but they were full of shit. if anything it's winter--now. i swear everywhere i turn someone who didn't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend last week is holding hands or posting pictures of them and their snuggle buddy. it's horrible. everyone has someone. so why not me? why am i the one left out in the cold? but then again, why am i surprised? but it's not like i couldn't not have a boyfriend. i'm just waiting for the right boyfriend. i know what i want...but then again i don't. i'm just sort of waiting for it to show up. when it does, i'll know. but so far that hasn't happened. i thought it has, once or twice. but it hasn't.
take stefan. that metrosexual jerk. i'm ditzy?! i'm annoying!? you bitch. i thought you were a good guy. what crap. ugh. whatever. honestly that doesn't hurt me as much as the fact as him saying he's "loosing interest" in me. what am i? a cosmo for you? i'm not a magazine asshole. i'm a human being. loosing interest in me. wow. thanks for making me feel like your used kleenx. then again i'm not even used. i didn't get that honor. you just pulled me out of the tissue box, examined me, then determined i wasn't worthy for your snot. well shove it up the tail pipe. i'll never date you. i knew you weren't good enough. obviously i wasn't for you. i'm never good enough am i? for anyone i want. sure i am for people who want me, but i don't feel the same. but there is never a double sided connection. it's just one. and obviously this one was like a one watt bulb. burnt out now huh?
i just wish i could find that giddy crush that turns into something real. i'm sick of giddy crushes that go no where and then no giggly bubbles, but hope, getting dashed before it flames. i'm sick of having guys want to be with me but i feel nothing. i'm sick of wasting my time on guys that only want me for the moment, that once i'm not there "girlfriend", their "baby", that they're willing to forget everything and crush me. i'm sick of maybe finding something in a guy, but he's only half of what i want...maybe it's all my fault. i'm to picky. damn. damn. damn. i just miss love. i miss being missed. i miss being a part of something, a part of someone. i hate being alone.
christmas is coming. i see the lights outside my window. they look the same as they have every year before. the house is much the same. it doesn't feel like christmas, but still the decorations are a blunt reminder. one morning i'll just wake up and it'll be christmas. but that's not what i keep remembering. all i keep remembering is a year ago is when i fell into my eating habits now. it was about a year ago when i started restricting, started loosing, started destroying everything. or at least helping it along. a couple weeks ago would have been my one year anniversary with jj. i wonder if he thought about it. probably not. another guy who loved me, another one who hates me. a part of me wonders what would have happened if we didn't break up. would we have ended anyways? i wonder. oh well. the past is the past.
i keep watching house and wondering what it would be like if i was on there. if one day i just was purging and my throat started bleeding but i lied and then got sent to him. i could see his reactions, his remarks, his team being shocked as they figured out everything in the end. it actually seems quiet amusing. i'm surprised i haven't gotten any blood yet. i've purged more lately then i have in so long. it just seems so routine though. purging in the shower, bingeing when no one is home then purging that. ugh. and this weekend has been horrible. ah who the fuck am i kidding? my will power has just been horrible. fat fat fat failure. that's all i am. i keep telling myself that this day is my last day! and this is my last meal! and i can start fresh! ugh. what garbage. to bad that's what i still believe in. tomorrow is another attempt at a restart. a clean slate. i plan to restrict to 350. with one hot cocoa in the morning [25], a water at lunch [0], and oatmeal at home[110], plus another cocoa at night[25], that's only 160. so plenty of room incase of fuck ups. but there will be none. i hope. i know. damn. maybe i'll get my tubby ass to the gym tomorrow. i bet i can't even do fourty minutes on the elliptical. damn. failure. HELLO MY NAME IS FATASS! RIGHT HERE! <----- FATTIE. TUBBY. LARD. i can hardly see my ribs. my hipbones are almost nonexistant. my collarbone is pathetic. i miss willpower. i miss hunger. i miss success. i miss not being pathetic.
Posted on 2008.12.10 at 21:59
december 10th
is it any surprise that i fail on my goal? honestly. 90 lbs by xmas, which is two weeks away, and i'm still flubbering around the weight i started at. god fucking damn me! i'm such a fucking fat failure. like no joke. i'm pathetic. and it's all my fault. whenever i go to janae's, which is often, i break. i break at my own home. i'm just a pathetic broken failure. i'm horrible, i'm ugly. i'm fat. people and their stupid comments about how "tiny" i am or how "small" i am aren't helping. they're deterring me! god fucking damn it. and then coach fucking lee. with her comment on my PERFECT bmi. DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN. i hate it! I NEED TO GET BACK. I NEED MY WILL POWER BACK. I need to lose. i need to stop being so fat. if i get down to my perfect weight...down to where i'm TINY for sure, then i'll find the right guy.
and guys, i'm not even fucking going there. it went from eric to jj to adrian and then to dominic&stefan. now it's just...geez i don't even FUCKING know. god why can't i be like staci? just with a better friggin personality. i mean, she's beautiful and all the buff hot guys love her. why can't i get that? do they only like airheads? i don't get it. any of it. fuck. and then that other girl on myspace...i want to look like her. she's beautiful. she's a model. she's perfect. perfect skin, perfect makeup, perfect smile, perfect everything. i think i know how i could get my makeup like hers. i just need to practice. thank god for the winter break. i have my style down, now i just need to get the rest done. my makeup is first. then my hair and nails is pretty much figured out. i just need to loose the fat i have and get perfectly thin like them. perfect. perfect. perfect. stefan said i wasn't small. he's right. i'm not. but i will be.
my mom is ignoring me again. she just loves to stab me, then once i shed enough blood, stab me again. she knows what comments to make to just keep hurting me. the sad thing is is that i'm used to it. should i be surprised? maybe not. oh well. maybe i should be. i don't even know. i'm so out of it right now but i have a flurry and jumble just shuffling through me. ugh. i should be exercising. but no. fat failure me is to tired and i'm pretty much giving up for tonight. double the duty tomorrow? yes that sounds nice. i haven't been to the gym in FOREVER. need to get my fat ass there. need to at least start losing. 90 lbs isn't going to happen, but maybe 98? i hope. i want that perfect BMI to be below perfect. that way if something slips i'll be ok. crap NO. no planning for slips. NO SLIPS. just perfection. god this is what happens when i'm fucking so damn out of it and yet still trying to think.
all i know though is that i want to look like her. that JUNIOR MODEL. she's so beautiful. thin, beautiful, PERFECT. why can't i be her? i want to meet her. ask her how she does it. just ABSORB half of what she is. why can't i? i wonder if she'd meet with me. that's weird. shut up. god i'm so damn pathetic. LOSE, LOSE, LOSE. become PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT. crap. tired. damn. why?
Posted on 2008.12.01 at 22:31
december 1st
a birthday spent crying. and vomiting. and hating. and wanting. and not being good enough. of never being good enough. honestly i'm not surprised it turned out like this. i've been having way to good a time, way to good a life these past days or so, it was time for it to turn and bite me in the ass. really it's pathetic. i'm pathetic. i mean me crying over j is fucking stupid. he has a girlfriend, i set myself up for this. she's probably prettier and sweeter and cuter and nicer and skinner and athletic and everything else. i'm nothing but a fat ugly never good enough slut. look at me. flirting with some girl's boyfriend while she doesn't even know i EXIST. what the hell is wrong with me? i hate it. i hate him. i want him. he was my birthday wish. he's been my 11:11 wish for i don't even know how long. i'm trying to hard. i make him brownies and a card from scratch and it was worth nothing. it was pointless. did i honestly think that he might be like "damn my girl didn't do this she's great i want to be with her, we're over jessica"? how cracked out am i? i'm so fucking stupid. stupid stupid stupid. he's the guy everyone loves, the good guy. i don't deserve the good guy. he doesn't deserve a fuck up like me. he doesn't even know. but he won't know anyways. i might be stupid but i'm not stupid enough to know that nothing will ever happen. i know what'll go on. either he's gonna last with jessica for awhile or he's gonna last a short time with her and then find someone else or come to me, but we'll just be getting close and then he'll come to kellis and bam. he'll have girls all over him. everywhere. and i'll fade into the shadows like i always do. i can't compare to all the other beautiful girls at my school. those perfectly thin and well out girls who if he wanted anyone of them he could have them. i'm so stupid. how did i ever think i had a chance? i'm sending him one text tomorrow, wishing him a happy birthday. then i'm done texting him. i'll still see him when i go over to janae's--which i'll probably do often since i like it more over at her house then my own sometimes. i'll just fade out. fade out.
the christmas lights are up. i don't remember a birthday of mine where they weren't. i wish we could have snow. a white christmas. i wish i could go to flagstaff, maybe just me and janae. just pack up and get the hell away from everything. but i don't want to get to clingy. that's always bad. look what happens when clingy-ness happens? pain. it's a blunt equation. either way. finals are coming up and i'm only mainly worried about my spanish final. i can swing by with a ninty at least are the rest of them. i don't want next semester to start, but it's going to. whatever. i really don't want another semester of math and to start all over again. i fucking SUCK at starting over, but what can i do right? i guess i just have to get the fuck over it. i'm to sensitive. it sucks because i only have three more weeks of being in the same class as janae. i'm afraid of seperation. already. shit natalie shit. getting in to deep. but i love her really. to bad i eat at her damn house. damn damn damn damn.
so i ate like shit again today. AGAIN. it began after P.E.--this shit is ridiculous--the coach bought the class doghnuts for being so good while the sub was here, which honestly we fucking sucked but whatever. i didn't eat one, but took a bite of janae's. chewed it then spit it out in the toilet and flushed. got to her house and downed a regular dr. pepper in no time flat. it was digusting. then we fixed her brother brownies and i got away with only eating a sliver, saying to much chocolate makes me sick. then HE bought pizza in return for the brownies and for my birthday. i ate only one small slice. ugh. fuck. we went running around their trailer park and it felt good just to jog through with the cold on my shoulders, but it wasn't anywhere near my usual. so after i get picked up what do i go and buy? a MOTHER FUCKING OREO MILKSHAKE. i don't even KNOW what the HELL i was thinking! honestly! i drank nearly friggin all of it. then purged in the shower. i weighed myself after and it came up to 107.5. i was still wet and still in the aftermath of purging so idk if it's accurate at all. tomorrow i plan on just fasting till i get home--i have guitar so no go to janae's haha. then restricting up until 200 cals i guess. i'm getting to lienant. it's horrible. i'm never gonna fucking drop my fatass weight down to 90.
i popped a pill to get to sleep. i'm in no mood to do bicyles or crunches. double time tomorrow. it's my birthday present to me i guess. cry myself to sleep? maybe the tears would be better seeped in on my pillow then kept inside my sockets. happy fucking birthday. one more year till i'm sixteen, working, and driving. depending on myself...it's better that way. less pain. and the sadder thing is? he still is all that is on my mind.
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