if I die young;

December 25th

merry christmas ? i guess you could say that. though i'm as far from christmas cheer and spirit as i could fathom. i'll smile with you, laugh with you, recollect with you, but i promise it's all fake. a lot of my actions are fake now. well...sort of. they're not as one hundred percent as i wish they would be. but of course it wouldn't be. i've given up. i've given up on people, on love, on life, on myself. i've thrown it all away - all compassion towards exisiting are diminished. i don't care about anything anymore. i've lost myself, but in a way i've found myself. i've come to realize that the things i thought mattered don't, or at least at the moment aren't worth my concern. consider that awful, but i don't care. i'm sick of getting hurt, i'm sick of putting fourth everything i have and not getting what i deserve in return. i'm sick of failing when all i can look towards is my possible success. there's no one to blame, no single person anyways. if i had to place the blame on someone, i'd blame myself. myself for my foolish ways, my young simple heart, my fickle feeble mind. i should have known. from all of my mistakes, i should have learned. but here's what i've learned, here's what i'm going to focus on. i don't have the desire to write it all down. i'll summarize it.

*i'm done with high school, i have no patience for the people there, for the droll work and time holding me back from achieving what i know is possible. some people think this is stupid, i should enjoy my time. but i've always wanted to grow up, and so far as i get older yes- i do miss my innocence, but not enough to want to go back. i'm going to graduate next year. i'm not dealing with another two years. everyone there can go to hell. they can sit in their ignorance and immaturity. i've given up on all of them.

*school is all that's important to me while i'm working towards getting to college, that and the few people i find worth caring about, which is becoming smaller and smaller, and i'm not looking to find more people to add to that selection

*i'm such a failure. i look a million pounds heavier. my step sister thought i was under 100lbs. but she doesn't spend every day with perfectly thin and naturally beautiful cheerleaders. i'm sick of wondering why it's okay that other girls can do everything i think i'm doing wrong. it hurts too much.

*i don't care how i look to people anymore. my reputation is bullshit. it's being spread and trashed by people i think are wastes of garbage anyhow. mind you i'm still overly insecure and still wonder how my physical appearance seems to people, that doesn't defeat my desire to be myself even more, just along their lines of external acceptance

*no man at the moment seems good enough to have me. none of them seem to have what i so desire in someone. there have been few bursts of amazement, in one or two people, but even if i reach out out of loneliness, i know that'll i'll be too afraid to make any sort of real commitment. i tried having something serious with marvin. i did. then he ran with his tail inbetween his legs. i'm too afraid to be hurt by someone else's fear again. 

*all of this leads into my don't give a fuck attitude. and literally that is what it is. i don't give a fuck about anything. so far it's been making me happy. i hope to stick to it. but knowing me, knowing my stupid childish unrealistic compassion...i won't.


what's wrong with me ?

November 17th

i find it funny how when i have nothing i come back to this. this journal, this stupid online format of words and my ideals - as farfetched as they may come. when i have no one, or feel as if i have no honest support i come to this. how sad is it that ? but it's me...it's not sad at all, it's normal, i'm just the only thing that's sad. that's all i've been lately is sad. no doubt i'll have those great days inbetween, but in the long run i have nothing good to show for, to be proud of. when i feel as though i get close to having something it dies away, destoryed, and all at once i am left with remnants reminding me just how pathetic i truely am.

i don't know if it's pms or whatever, but my emotions have been off the wall. i feel like crying every feesable moment, most of the time doing so. i can't hold a decent phone conversation with my boyfriend to save my life. and also my good moods are so easily dashed. half of me believes it's pestilent hormones, while the other blames it on my dgaf attitude. i really can't not care, my problem is that i care too much. so when i get 50% back on my efforts that i only put half myself into it makes sense, but i get furious and heart broken. it doesn't balance out, i'm not balanced out. it has nothing to do with my school work anymore, but i'm at a loss of self. i don't know where i stand. it was like this last year around this time to, i'm so sick of it. will i have to go through this rollercoaster forever ? year after year ? if so i see no point in living, it's a hassle. i see no point in caring or emotions, in crying or smiling. all of it finds itself futile and a waste.

knotted around my crown like waxen gold,
the weaves of blonde meld into scalp
fixating the mold of honeydew and blush to my visage.
i must say that i do wear such a complexity well,
distorting it into simplicity and composure.

and it is not my own - this mask of epochs and ages.
it belongs to a soul and a history well versed, well practiced
making it so easily believed
i shall accept such ignorance as my reward
for seasoned misconception

glance into the sockets with all the reason in the world
eyes of azure, of deception, will reply with the sweetest twinkle
to disprove any rumors that make argue
that this lovely mask is indeed a facade
to make you forget any flaws and lies,
to forget any pain and sorrow,
to forget any anger and rage,
to forget any faith and hope.
for what good would any mask be,
if it did not shield away such truths ?
and what good of an actor would i be,
if i indeed did not do justice to my role ?

then you may ask me of what shakespearen tragedy have i found for myself
to which i will reply that my narrator is of dark secret,
for all that i am that i know that of
that i do myself rehearsing
the proper daughter
the knowledgeable student
the achiever
the dreamer
the lover
the friend.
i am lone on the stage of life
me and my mask,
which everyone does well to applaude
to believe,
leaving me to continue -
never bare, always hidden.
behind that wondrous, beautiful mask.

September 13th

"i'm not there yet..."

my sister says i'm getting thinner. i don't, like always, see what she sees in the mirror. i see a shell of a girl who has lost her goals, who has given up on the perfection that she so secretly craves. one who has become so lost in life that she has forgotten what she used to live for, what she strived for, and what she was good at. she's slumped into a habit that gets her no where fast and offers no results. i see that outline of a face who knows she could be so much better, wants to, and fails. i see me. 

life is flowing by at an usually fast rate. i don't know whether i should be grateful or depressed knowing my days are moving by faster than i can memorize them. my routine is so mundane. wake up, go to school, either succeed or fail at cheer, then come home to eat, throw it up miserably, nibble on sweets, then fall asleep. i haven't stepped on a scale in a periodic fashion in so long. i'm afraid of the results because i know that i haven't been maintaining the will power i used to have. i feel like a broken record, i've been saying this for months. but all i am anymore is bulimic. i purge as if it is nothing when really that's all it is. it doesn't help me lose, but it also keeps me from gaining immensely. i drink no soda at all, but instead drinks i know nothing of the calorie intake for. i see hipbones, but flab at the same time. i have to throw up any food or not eat before i go out or i'll pudge. and no one knows. no one ever will. my sister said one day not to long ago that "you could never tell a girl was bulimic". she said this straight to my face. irony is a cruel trickster.

school is...school. i see no joy nor sadness in it. sure there will be high moments of virtue. but they are momentary, momentary. and of course karma has to come and balance out all good fortune with the bad and i am left in shambles of my earnings. if anything it's a stressor. a stressor to do something here, something there. my procrastinic nature is a sin in these cases. i write now as it weighs on my shoulders - my folders mockingly propped behind me. they call me endlessly, assignments, projects, studying. i could say it bothers me, but only to a point. then in all other aspects it's just life and i accept it, for only the fact that i can do nothing to affect it. cheer is much the same. i do my job, my position, my role for i feel as if i'm at a monotone about it all. there is no transitioning point. when i'll find it i'm not sure yet, but hopefully soon. this constant complex i find myself foiled in is digusting. much like my eating habits. it's sad to see the two correlate.

at least my heart is better. in fact its...i don't know how to describe it. i'm falling hard and fast for marvin. yes marvin. he has come to compliment so many parts of me in ways that i couldn't and would not have expected. he arouses me both emotionally and physically. he makes me laugh and smile and he's utterly silly, but mature and refined at the same time. he's a rare breed and exotic and it's intoxicating. he makes my heart skip a beat whenever i get to see him. he made me have butterflies when we first began this trail we're walking on. and the best of it all is that it's on our terms. not the general public's. i'm his and he's mine. it's an understanding between us. everyone asks if we're dating, if we're boyfriend and girlfriend, but they don't understand that we're more than that...we're far from that. even our status' are distanced on the spectrum. he's a thespian leader, i'm a cheer captian. it's amazing how awkwardly unreal it all is. but i love it and i wouldn't want it any other way. i wouldn't want him anyother way.

i think i'm going to throw away my goal not to drink diet soda. i miss being safe with the idea that i'm really digesting 0zero calories in my beverages. sorry mom. but i don't give a damn. i made it to 104 drinking diet. i can do it again. but work calls. life calls. i'm needed. i need sleep. something. anything.

everyone has a secret
can they keep it ?
no.