when it's all said &done

hey ladies,
so i lost 1.4 pounds today.  i think it would have been a bit more but i woke up and ate and then i realized half way through that i hadn't weighed and i also hadn't used the toilet yet.  I felt ok, but i had a salad for lunch and another for dinner. i also went swimming for an hour and fifteen minutes today. It seems when i lose, i feel even heavier than before and i just don't feel like i've lost. but usually when i think and feel like i've lost i've usually gained a ton. I just can't seem to figure out why i always feel the opposite. i know some of you say that you can tell when you've lost and that you can fee it but it seems to be just the opposite for me. i dread waking up and feeling like i've lost because it always means that i've gained. anyway, it seems that everyone is doing well.
take care:)

xoxo

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I can't get through one day without obnoxious food comments...

Friend: Hey, want to go get ice cream after tennis?
Me: um...I don't eat ice cream...
Other Person: You're CRAZY!!!
Me:...gee, thanks...

I have a little over a month before I move into my new home at my University. I'm really scared. I want so badly to make friends but I heard that most of the time social life in college revolves around food. How can I bring myself to eat in front of people? It's so fucking hard. My dad said that if anyone invites me somewhere to eat I can just order a drink, bring my own food, or order/grab something and just pick at it and not really eat it and enjoy the social time rather than just not go because of the food aspect. I was thinking that might be a good idea BUT wouldn't people start bugging me for not eating like a normal person? It seems like a good plan but I just KNOW someone would say something about it. They would all think I just don't eat which is not true, everyone eats. What can I do to make myself more comfortable eating in front of people? I'm sure you guys can all relate, I just feel so embarassed and disgusting.

Another issue - as you all know, I haven't had a period in almost a year and a half now. I'm really worried about what it will do to my bones. I do play a lot of sports and weight lift which helps with bone density so thats good. And I also have one Tums a day for extra calcium and take vitamins. I read a blog/chat online from girls who said that their doctors gave them some kind of hormone pill and they got their periods back in weeks dispite being underweight. WTF why hasn't my doctor done this for me? Just because I refuse to gain weight they just give up on me. I really want to make a doctors appointment to discuss what else can be done about this beacuse I know that I should have a period, I'm not ridiculously thin I'm barely underweight. I want to bring it up with my mom but I'm afraid she'll just go off on me and start saying stuff that makes me cry/upsets me beyond reason which always happens when we talk about that shit. Any suggestions???

Good news - I finally mastered the invert (going upside down) in pole dancing class! Level 3 here I come!

  so, im really trying this positive attitude approach.
i have a history of cutting and major depression and im trying my best to keep away from both of those
im tired of feeling numb, down, exausted, anxious, afraid, and put down by my life
everyday i go though this period of misery:
i hate myself
i cant handle my life right now
im a failure
im a fucking whale
im a burden
i cant do anything right
im out of control.
and quite frankly
im sick and tired of it.
these feelings havent gone away, but im not changing anyting about my life cryign and being depressed all the time.
so- im thinking positively- concentrating on my goals and seeming to achieve them.
i know what i want- and with everything in my life right now, i need to hang on to that
its one of the only things keeping me going, but at the same time holding me back.

i have to file areport against my step dad for molestation sometime this week. i know that remembering and actually spoeaking the details puts me in a bad place so im preparing for that.
i desperately want to feel empty and ligth and in control when i walk in so i can keep it together. feel ok in atleast one aspect.

on that note lovies- have a beautiful, wonderful day
keep your goals in sight and you can achieve them

hey ladies,
so i gained this morning, i knew i would, i don't usually eat after seven but this week i've been helping my grandmother with some camp thing, and she is in charge of snacks. well the first group doesn't come down until 6"30 but the last group is the director of the entire program and she insists that we make some for ourselves and eat with her. well that is past 8pm and i've just had a hard time purging after that. its not that i can't, its that by the time i actually get to, there isn't really anything to purge. so i've been taking alot of metamucil and fiber tables to help it along. I have to say though, even though i've just been taking them at night, i feel alot better, like i don't feel so bloated or sluggish. It really does make a difference. Also i was babysitting yesterday, and i don't really watch rachel ray's talk show but i caught part of it yesterday and there was this girl on her show with ortherexia, i've never heard of it before, but its where you are obsessed with eating healthy and its known to lead to anorexia and bulimia because you get so obsessed with eating healthy. i thought it was quite interesting, but i just don't think it was a great topic because there was only this girl on the show and rachel didn't really let her talk, she just kept saying how it "hit home" because she was a chef. i didn't quite understand that bit but that is all she kept saying.
so abc kind of went out the window, and i know i said i'd start it next month but until then i'm not sure how things are going to go, i might do 2468. 

take care ladies,

xoxo

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hey ladies,
so i've lost 1.2 pounds since yesterday. i can't tell you how good that feels.
We went to a Scottish festival on saturday and spent the entire day there and of course we ate every single meal out and i just couldn't purge when i got home, i tried but it just wasn't working, so i took some laxatives that night. Well somehow this morning i managed to be a whole pound lighter and that makes me feel really good. i've kind of given up on abc because with everybody home all the time its just way too hard. i know i can do it in august though because dance and college will start for me so i know i can do it then.  our pool is finally ready and i know that swimming is really good because it works every muscles but its not as "intense" post-workout. i just get really distracted because my sister will get in the pool and before i know it i've completely quit swimming and we are just talking. anyway, its been awfully quiet around here lately. i hope everyone is ok and doing well.
take care ladies:)

xoxo

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I feel bipolar right now. I was about to say I haven't really been in the best mood which is wy I haven't been posting but that's not exactly true. I've had a descent past few weeks but I keep feeling happy and then depressed with no inbetween. Anyways, the hot dog eating contest in New York was awesome but Kobayashi lost to Joey Chestnut (again!) by 4 dogs! I also had an awkward encounter there with a random dude when my dad and I went to pick up Crumbs Cupcakes for my mom...the following conversation ensued...

*Man walks in, trying to decide what cupcake to get. He starts talking to a girl who has been there before telling him what her favs were. He turns to me and says...*

Him: What are you getting?
Me: Who me? I'm not in line, I don't eat cupcakes, I don't like them.
Him: *after a few minutes* So you really don't eat cupcakes?
Me: Nope.
Him: So what do you do for sweets?
Me: Nothing, I don't eat sweets.
Him: REALLY!!! Like, NONE?!
Me: (feeling awkward and uncomfortable) ...yeah, really...
Him: Have you ever?
Me: Yeah, like when I was little. (My thoughts: when I was little and not disordered...)
Him: I feel like someone should just like...force you...*laughs* maybe you'll like them again.
My thoughts: if anyone ever tried to force me to eat a sweet they would have to go to the emergency room to extract my boot from their ass.
Me: Trust me, I am NOT missing out.

Why the fuck does everyones jaw drop when I say I don't eat sweets (or junk food, or processed food, or anything fried or fast food, etc.) It's NOT that big of a deal!!! Honestly, I really see no point in putting that shit in your body. It has no purpose and it doesn't do anything for anyone. It doesn't taste good to me, I find it repulsive, and there's no point in eating it. It doesn't make me happy it makes me want to vomit just watching others shovel it down their throats. It's not nutritionally beneficial and I exercise way too much to ruin my workouts by eating bad food. What is wrong with the world?

The past  2 weeks I haven't been able to get out of eating. It's killing me. Everyone is on my case so I've been eating over 1,000 calories a day just to get people to shut up. I hate it. I've gained 5lbs way too quickly.

So my grandma asked if I wanted to go to Denver with her for a week to visit my cousins. Their dad is in the hospital and everyone has been down to help except me. So I'll be there all week and thankfully everyone will be busy helping out to notice my eating and I'm hoping I can get back on track. Fingers crossed.

<3

  so i haven't been on here in a really long time 
this year so far ive been lost. as some of you know i had a really hard time earlier this year.
struggled with everything so much i wanted to die. tried. failed. and i cant describe what im going through other then... im lost.
im spending the summer livign with my aunt becuase my mom things im a crisis. (even though she seems less stable than me) My aunt says she just want to help me deal with things in an undestructive way and learn how to live in NOW and follow a better path. my family knows about alot  since the abuse i endured from my step dad came out in the open in january
they dont treat me the same. 
so anyway, i managed a while back to reach a new high weight being smothered by family and traveling. 
mia wasnt any help. ive been doing yoga and this pilates work out every morning for about three weeks and ahve managed to lose some  but not as quickly as id like bc im still required to eat. today i managed to get out of lunch.
honestly i havent really paid ,much attn to ana. ive been in default mode, numb.
this has been my thought process every night:

i cant believe im this huge ...punish
im behind in summer studies... gotta study...im so stupid..... wanna cut( but wont)
i have to file a report against my step dad...mom is pushing me...when...i dont wanna remember...i dont want to have to say those words again..i dont want a trial...i have to catch up on summer assignments.... do i even have time? wanna cut
i want to get out nof my head...shame on me
why is my boyfriend making no effort to contact me?what do i do?
i wish i were small again   i should be working out right now...cut
it would be great if i didnt hate myself...why do hate myself so much?...oh
do i really wanna go back to school next year? i want to disappear. i cant do this  cut
i cant believe i have so many pills....am i serioulsy considering it again?dumbass
why cant i get out of this depression why cant i just get over it
i dont want to remember
i want to sleep.

ex. of short list. cried myself to sleep for the 1st time in a lwhile the other night. im not sleeping, i cant seem to get out of eating. 
and all i want is to feel in control again.
to be how i was 2 years ago....achieveing, small gettign smaller, happy, havign fun......
Alive...i feel so numb sometimes its as if i were dead
im so so sick of this.

trying to change

hi ladies,
so i gained this morning, i didn't purge at all yesterday, i knew i was going to gain, after i lost .6 pounds yesterday, i gained .5 pounds this morning, so over the course of one day i lost .01 pounds. its just been a really rough time for me lately,i thought things were getting better with the family but today we all got in this big fight and they are all mad at me but i'm not sure why. so i ate breakfast, and lunch today which i know is just setting me up for another gain tomorrow. i've bured 240 cals this morning doing tae bo i'm haven't looked yet to see what i've burned throughout the rest of the day, and i've got another workout coming up tonight that goes for about an hour. so hopefully i'll have lost something tomorrow.

take care girls

xoxo

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hey ladies,
so i woke up and i was .6 pounds lighter again, well not for a second consecutive day but i've still lost for three days and i'm extatic about it. it seems like everyone is doing so well with everything.
also, i have to say that billy blanks (the tae bo guy) has my utmost respect. he is over 50 years old and he has probably the best workout in my opinion. its just one of those things that makes you feel energized and really good about yourself, like you know you've done work and you'll get results.
i'm not sure how many of you girls have ever done tae bo, but i highly reccomend it, and you don't really bulk up, his daughter is on the series too, and she looks so good, she is so thin and toned. and he has this whole thing planned out for you, it goes for a month, and it says what workout you do and when, and a menu to help lose weight, and everything. the workouts and like 25- 30 mins but there are amazing.
anyway, take care girls:)

xoxo